I'm going to start with grateful.
Today I am grateful for being able to get myself some new clothes, open a line of credit and immediately pay off my initial purchase. It might not seem like a big deal, but this is a step in the right direction for me. I am also grateful for the fact that Matt makes sure I have money of my own. I'm grateful that we were able to get ingredients and make plans for some special meals together. I'm grateful for the fact that I was able to push myself today, despite repeated episodes of anxiety, to get things done instead of shutting down. I am very grateful for the fact that Matt told me he is proud of me for pushing past the anxiety. I am also grateful for getting to see a friend I haven't seen in quite some time, and possibly being able to see him in the near future. I'm grateful that Matt took the time to sit down with me before bed and help me do "grateful" for today, since the anxiety stuff was clouding my head. Finally, I'm grateful that anxiety and depression are temporary, though it's very hard to remember that in the middle of it.
Oh, and one more. I'm grateful I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this Thursday, because despite multiple triggers this past few weeks (illness, being alone, bed bugs), I think I have been cycling way too hard. I think there is definitely something up with my meds, and I want to talk about it and get on the road to getting back to some kind of equilibrium.
And now I'm going to vent some more about how much I hate the anxiety/depression rollercoaster I've been on for the past month. Is it actually possible that upping my dose of gabapentin did this? It's hard to say, because of so much other stuff going on. I don't want to blame something that seemed to be helping me before. I don't want to demonize the medication. But something isn't right. I've been far too dependent on my clonazepam for my liking. The day after I found the bedbugs, it took two pills (one full milligram) to calm me down. The anxiety is hitting at inopportune moments again, like out in public. I'm having more trouble than usual dealing with social situations, feeling like I need to crawl into a dark room and be alone. It tends to get better once I acclimate to new surroundings, or find someone to talk to, but even then, the anxiety creeps back. I seem to have less tolerance for it than I did even a few months ago. (I was more or less fine at the sci fi convention I attended in March.)
I'm not looking for some huge personality shift. I don't need to be the life of the party or the centre of attention, but I wouldn't mind being my old self again. Well, my more recent old self, not my old old self. I mean, it's like I'm reverting back to the way I was as a teenager and young adult, when I never used to take the initiative and introduce myself to people at a social gathering. I would sit in a corner and hope someone would take pity on me and talk to me, and then go home feeling empty because no one did. Yuck.
Same old symptoms. Started getting light-headed, fearful I was going to pass out or throw up, chills, clammy skin and hypersensitivity to sound and light. It's kind of like a migraine without the headache, though the headache does happen sometimes, too. I keep wondering if there is some kind of actual physiological cause to these symptoms besides anxiety, especially when they happen in the absence of an obvious trigger.
This is not who I want to be. I want to be comfortable in social situations, confident when going out alone, relaxed when I am home alone and productive when I have things to do. I don't think I am asking for all that much, am I? I'm doing the work. I'm actively trying to re-program my thought patterns, and I'm trying different techniques to deal with deep-seated issues. I am just so done with feeling as if it's always one step forward, two steps back.
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