Holiday stress

I haven't written about this yet because it was too painful, but I am ready to talk about it now. Family Thanksgiving with the Wagners turned out to be a disaster. I was in pain the entire time. I was triggered by many things. I tried hard to socialize, and I thought I was doing okay, but then, the worst case scenario happened. Matt's grandmother took my behavior as a snub to her hospitality. Without saying a word to me, she took him aside and told him that, since I obviously didn't want to be there, he should leave me at home for family functions in the future. Faced with feeling as if he was being made to choose between his wife and his family, Matt became furious. We left immediately. I had never seen him so angry, and I was a little afraid to be in the car with him on the way home.

This harkened back to my chilrhoodt, when every holiday was marred by arguments and passive-aggressive sniping. (I remember one Christmas morning that was ruined entirely because my mother left a price tag on a summer sausage in my father's stocking, just as an example.) I was starting to relax around Matt's family, but it is still hard for me to interact appropriately and participate in a family dynamic. I had, that weekend, reverted to my childhood defense of finding a quiet place and hiding, even though there were no arguments happening at the time. My therapist says that I do not yet have the social skills I need to contribute to a situation such as this one.

The thing that hurts the most right now is that, after two weeks, there have been no conversations about the incident, and certainly no apologies. Matt's mother, while agreeing that Matt's grandmother was out-of-line, still insists there are things we aren't seeing. I have pleaded my case and done my best to help them understand my triggers, and my mother-in-law is sympathetic, but I don't even know what she has told Matt's grandmother. I would talk to Matt's grandmother myself, but I am simply too hurt and too intimidated by the woman.

So, as Christmas approaches, there is an enormous pachyderm in the room, and no one is talking about it. I have zero desire to go to my grandparents-in-law for Christmas, and I am not even sure I would be welcome. I feel I was treated like a disobedient child, or worse yet, a non-person- simply "Mrs. Matthew Wagner," an accessory to a grandson who is taking up too much of Matt's life.

I am glad that Matt defended me the way he did, but I am worried that he might have made some things worse by our hasty exit. I keep thinking that maybe if I could have talked to his grandmother and tried to explain... Then again, she might have said something to make me very angry and the whole thing could have turned out worse.

Keep in mind that I barely know this woman. She doesn't talk much about her interests or emotions. She talks about the past, and makes general smalltalk. I don't do so well with smalltalk. It always feels contrived, to me. I don't feel like I have anything in common with her. I don't know how to bridge the gap and create some sort of friendship. She and mymy sister-in-law are extremely close- maybe I could talk to Alison about it? I don't know.

Anyway, beyond this issue, my mood has been generally good. We decorated the apartment for the holidays and there are presents under the tree for the people who matter. And, I have a new casual romantic interest- an old friend of Matt's who has been coming over to watch movies and play games. Last night, he and I went Christmas shopping for Matt's gift at the toy store, and had a really great time together. He has been a fun surprise, and definitely good for my mood.

Climbing out

I figured out why my depression attacked me with homicidal and suicidal thoughts. It's because my life is so good, and so stable, it would take me doing something that heinous to mess it up. And my depression likes to convince me that the other shoe is going to drop any moment. When the monster can't grab onto anything real, it makes stuff up. Well, fuck the monster. I am going to fight it.

Aside from the recent episode, my major problem continues to be constant physical pain. It is a fact of my life. There are a lot of things I can't do because of the pain I feel. I can't hold a real job. I can't do a lot of stuff around the house that requires bending, lifting, et cetera. I've been hyper-focused on all of the things I can't do, and it spiraled out of control when I got the news that I was not going to get my back surgery. I feared I had become a drug addict and that there was no end in sight. (I'm not. I was able to step down my meds on my own.) I allowed terrible thoughts to take over. It was as if my mind was simply picking out the absolute most horrifying things that could happen to me and the most heinous things I could do to obsess over. So I came up with a few ideas as to how to change my thinking and behavior.

First, I've made a concerted effort to stop exposing myself to things that trigger suicidal and homicidal thoughts. I was watching a lot of true crime shows, to the point of obsession. I think I wanted to desensitize myself, but in the midst of a major depressive episode, it did exactly the opposite. I think I have been experiencing a kind of obsessive compulsive thought process. I know that the awful things I think of when I am depressed have absolutely no basis in reality. The thoughts aren't actually connected to anything. They're just the Worst Thing I Can Think Of, so I think it. I am not going to kill anyone. I am not going to hurt my pets. I am not going to suddenly go insane and destroy my whole life and everyone in it. That's fear, not reality. The thoughts are intrusive and disruptive, but they have no more power over me than I give them. I've been giving them too much power, and too much significance.

So, anyway, I've changed my TV watching habits. I've started to watch movies I like, comedies, and documentaries about subjects other than crime. It's like I forgot that I have interests, or something. Depression is such a bitch. It makes me forget that I'm a whole person and not just a "sick" person. When I start having intrusive, crazy thoughts, I distract myself by running through a song from my favorite movie, or concentrating on the things that I have to be grateful for.

I have also decided to make two lists. First, a list of all the stuff I used to do before I was cripplingly depressed, and another list of things I can do to have more responsibility around the house and structure in my life. I'm not pressuring myself to do all of the things at once, but I am going to read the lists every day and try to do something on one of them every day. (I haven't made the lists yet. I'm working on it.)

And maybe I shouldn't be messing with my meds on my own, but I have stopped taking gabapentin. Guess what? It's like part of that "everything is awful" cloud has lifted. I honestly think that being on such a hefty dose of it (1800 mg per day) has been contributing to my depression, fatigue, and even weight gain. Since I stopped taking it, I have been able to think much more clearly, at least clearly enough to take these first steps, and I have lost a couple of pounds (at least, judging by how my clothes fit.)

Over the past week I have made more of an effort to get out and do things and live my life. There was an impromptu trip to the zoo on Wednesday, and we went to a show last night. I went even though I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I won't lie, it was exhausting, but I did it, and I'm proud of myself. Last week, I even cooked chicken soup and baked pumpkin bread, and interacted socially with a guest who was a near-stranger. Even two weeks ago, I couldn't imagine doing that.

I feel I am climbing out of this on my own. I am still skeptical of how useful partial hospitalization will be for me. I am actually worried it might be more triggery for me than useful. I will go to my evaluation and see what they say. I truly feel that my time would be better spent finding alternative pain management anf learning meditation techniques. In the mean time, I have lists to write.