Sunday, September 7, 2014

This and that.

(I've started this entry several times over the last week, and I have only just now finished it up.)

When did I become such a hermit?

I don't leave the house, anymore, unless it is absolutely necessary. I don't necessarily like being home all the time, especially not home alone, but slowly, I have stopped doing all the things I used to do. What is stopping me from taking the bus to the coffee shop? What is stopping me from going out with friends? What is stopping me from going to the store with Matt? I think it's a lot of things, really. Pain, anxiety (or fear of it), not feeling like I look good, not having the spoons to take a shower without being exhausted from the effort (it's very painful for me)... all sorts of little things.

One thing is for certain: I need to get out more. I am not doing the things I used to that I enjoyed before I moved here. I guess I just got into this routine of pain and pills and feeling sorry for myself. Matt says I need to reach out to my friends, but I always feel like such a bother to them because I don't drive and usually can't give them gas money. It's not that my friends are money-grubbers, it's just that most of them are worse off than I am.

I wish I could hold a real job. Working at the shelter once a week has helped a little, but I don't get paid for it, obviously. I'd like to do more there, too, than work for the second-hand shop that supports the cat shelter next door. I want to get my hands on. Next week, I need to ask if I can come in and give the cats their medications. That would be valuable in terms of becoming a vet assistant someday, once my back is fixed...

"Once my back is fixed." I keep saying that like it's just going to happen overnight, when I know it's going to be a slow and agonizing process of painful physical therapy and healing. I just wish I could get it done already. We just finally got all of my medical records together, so now we have to make copies of everything and send them off to an independent auditor to (hopefully) get the insurance company's denial overturned. Nothing is guaranteed. We can't even move forward with that until we have the money for the copies... which is another triggery thing.

We are almost out of money and it isn't even the second week of the month. There are many reasons for this, including the fact that Matt replaced my computer two weeks ago. Most of the reasons aren't "my fault," but every time we get into a situation like this, I feel as though I am an undue financial drain on Matt. My medications are expensive. He pays all my medical bills. He buys me everything I need, and some things I want. I know he doesn't think of me as a financial drain, but when I'm depressed, I do get into this mode of self-doubt and loathing because I haven't worked in six years and I have no ability to contribute to the household financially.

I've been doing slightly better the last few days since I started taking Latuda again. It's expensive, but it really is the only thing that has made a difference for me. I wish my psychiatrist wasn't on maternity leave. Argh.

It just seems like I have a lot of the same small aggravations, which alone are not much of a big deal, but taken together are a lot to handle. I worry that Matt is suffering for it, too. He's been dealing with a lot of stress at work, and has been withdrawing into hobbies. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes, I am concerned he is starting to get depressed, too.

Mental illness is a bitch, no matter who you are.