I am a drug addict.
I have been on Percocet for well over a year. It was never supposed to be a permanent solution to my back problems. I was supposed to get surgery to fix my back, and then wean off the drugs slowly. When my insurance company repeatedly, and then permanently denied my appeal for coverage, I was left with no recourse except for the drugs.
Until December, I was fine. Then, something just switched in my head, and I started taking more than prescribed. I left a message telling my doctor about it, that I wanted to wean off, but I didn't have enough left to do so. All I was told was to break the pills in half. At this point, I only had about three days worth left, and another week after that left until I could fill my new prescription.
Then, my kidney stone happened. If you've never had one, I can tell you that it is probably one of the most painful things someone can experience. They gave me drugs at the hospital, and a prescription for fifteen Percocet at half my usual dose.
I called my pain doctor and told him about this in a message. The next call I got was from an office assistant to inform me that, because I sought drugs elsewhere, I had broken the patient agreement and would no longer be prescribed any pain medication. "You were told over and over again not to overuse your medication," she said, in a tone usually reserved for a disobedient child.
I swore at her and hung up, just like the horrible, less-than-human drug addict I am.
I never wanted to be dependent on these drugs. Now, I am facing withdrawal. It terrifies me. That little bottle of half-strength Percocet is to be my only means of weaning off, and it won't even last a week even if I take half a pill at a time.
What kind of a system is this, that creates addicts, then leaves them abruptly to fend for themselves without even the means to control withdrawal symptoms? I've made an appointment at a rehab place, but they couldn't fit me in until January 15. By then, I suspect I will be in full withdrawal, unless I can somehow beat it with willpower and Benadryl. It occurs to me that this must happen every day, reducing chronic pain patients to common criminals, with no recourse but to seek outside help.
And if I go into rehab, that's forever. I was in drug rehab, so I must be a certain kind of person. A person who is weak and takes drugs to avoid responsibility. The lowest of the low, except for ex-cons. And I am in a stable relationship and living situation, with family and friends who love me. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
I curse the system. I curse my body for the pain. I curse myself for not being more careful. I am sick with grief, and I am embarrassed. I don't want to put Matt through what my withdrawal will probably be like. I don't have a choice.
