As predicted

The crash came yesterday. I think I'm finally coming out of it, but for the last 48 hours or so I have been useless. The pain is definitely part of it, but it's mostly psychological. I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by the prospect of this trip I don't want to take, and all the shit that has to be taken care of as soon as we get back. Among other things, my consult for the results of my MRI is the day after we get back. My suspicions are confirmed. I have degenerative arthritis in both my cervical and lumbar spine. At least I have enough pain meds to last me through the trip.

Today, therapy was the only thing that got me out of bed. Just the prospect of venting about stuff was motivation enough to push through the pain. It doesn't really take a lot to motivate me, which is good. 

I've been having nightmares about college. You know, the kind were somehow I didn't go to any classes the whole semester, and I'm failing. Not sure what that has to do with anything right now, except that I keep seeing "back to school" sales and I wish I was going back. I miss academia. It was predictable, provided me with a schedule, and regular encouragement and feedback from professors. Maybe  just missing that, and feeling sad that I know I can never go back because I defaulted on my loans.

I'm grateful for the cooler weather, the rains and the pleasant nights. I'm grateful that I am finally getting validation for my pain beyond "it's fibro and you're fat." I'm grateful for my therapist who actually seems to give a shit. So many I have been to in the past haven't seen me as a person, just a diagnosis.