To my theoretical child.

Dear Theoretical Child,

I don't know your name, whether you will be a boy or a girl, or even if you will be conceived at all. I don't know if I will carry you to term and hold you in my arms for the first time, with your dad by my side, tears in his smiling eyes. I don't know if I will watch you learn to talk, walk, read, make friends, and love others. But I do know some things I want to tell you, and I'm writing them down, so I don't forget.

I will protect you, but I will never shelter you from life's lessons. I want you to skin your knees and fall off your bike and get a bad grade because you were playing video games instead of studying. I want you to know what it's like to be jealous, hurt, angry, and sick, because I want you to know that those things are all temporary, and that things like love aren't. I will always be there to listen. Always. Band-aids and herbal tea. Warm blankets and ice cream. Hugs and kisses, as many as you'll tolerate. Your mom will be there for you when you want her, and do her best to back off when you need your space.

Your childhood will not be like mine. It will be better -- but it won't be perfect. I will get frustrated and make mistakes, and so will you. We will fight, but we will always, always work it out. I want you to know that, right now. I want you to know that even if I get mad at you for pulling the cat's tail, leaving the milk out, or staying out too late, I will never stop loving you. I'll feel bad for losing my patience, raising my voice, and taking away your mobile phone. I'll apologize, and we'll talk about it. I won't shut you out, and I won't let my own fear be a reason to hold you back.

I won't give you everything you want (though I will really, really wish I could). I will do my very best, with the resources I have, to give you everything you need. There are going to be times when it won't be easy. I've got a lot of stuff to deal with, like depression and chronic pain, two things I hope you never experience. We aren't wealthy, and there may be times we all have to make sacrifices. It won't be easy for you to understand, at first, but I hope you will come to see that I'm trying my best.

I promise to respect you as the person you grow to be. I promise to respect your privacy. Your space will be your own. If you keep a diary, I will never read it unless you share it with me. I promise not to discipline you with my hands. I promise not to control you with fear. I want you to respect me, not be afraid of me. I promise to make sure your emotional and physical well-being come first, and are never ignored because of issues I and your father might be having at the time. I promise to include you in family decisions, even when you are young. I promise to listen to your concerns, even if they might seem small or silly, because what might be insignificant to me could be very important to you. If you do something you aren't proud of, I want you to feel like you can talk to me about it without fear that I will lash out at you in anger.

Most importantly, you will always be loved. You might question it, sometimes, when it seems like we don't understand you- all children question their parents, sometimes. You are not an accident or an inconvenience. You were not brought into this world for the purpose of bringing your father and I closer together- though I am sure you will do just that. I will make certain you know that you are loved and explain to you why we might ask you to do things you don't want to do, or ask you not to do things you might want to do. I want to be a friend to you, as well as a parent.

School will be hard. When others taunt you, as they will, because children can be cruel and thoughtless, I will be there to defend you. When adults don't take your needs into consideration, I will be there to help make it right. I'm always going to be in your corner, no matter what. I don't ever want you to feel like you're alone in life, like I did. I also will encourage you to put yourself into their shoes, so that you may be instilled with empathy and understanding towards others, even if you don't like them.

I won't be a perfect mother, theoretical child, but I will do everything in my power to be a good one.

Love,

Morgan, your mother