He wants to have a baby with me. My husband really wants to have a baby with me, and I want to have a baby with him. I never thought I'd want to have a child again, after so many ups and downs, after I convinced myself it would be a bad idea for all kinds of reasons. I went into the doctor's office feeling shame, honestly expecting the doctor to tell me I had no business trying to get pregnant. How dare you?
As it turns out, most of my fears- the medical ones, anyway- are unfounded. Matt and I went to pre-conception counseling today, and the doctor said that on a scale of 1 to 10, he would put my risk at about a 3. Despite my age, my weight, all of my medical problems, Matt's family history of genetic joint problems, and all the drugs I'm on, the doctor said that we still have a very good chance of having a healthy baby. It put my mind at ease, and made me happy. Matt and I have been talking about all the details, all the potential problems and joys, and we are incredibly excited.
This is how it should be. Even if we don't succeed in getting pregnant, the fact that it's okay, medically, to try, makes me feel a whole lot better. Actually, it makes me feel whole. I really am an adult who can handle parenthood. I am in a stable, healthy marriage, with a solid network of friends and family to help us out in the tough times. And the look on Matt's face when the doctor said it was okay- it was priceless. He looked so happy. It was like a preview of how he will glow when he looks at our child for the first time.
We are going to go for further genetic testing, just to be prepared for anything that might be passed on. I have long been concerned I might have some latent genetic issue that accounts for my joint problems. This won't stop us from trying- it will just give us a heads-up. We will, of course, be doing every pre-natal test we can to ensure the health of the baby once we get pregnant. There are risks, because of my weight, of gestational diabetes and hypertension, but I already knew that, and I'm prepared to do whatever I need to do in order to minimize the risks. You know, like quit smoking. It seems really hard right now to think about quitting completely, but I believe that once I know I have a little person growing inside me, that will be some serious motivation.
I just can't believe how all of this is making me feel. I have never felt like this before. I've tried to get pregnant with partners in the past, but I have never felt so confident that everything will be okay. And that's huge. Huge. HUGE.
As for how I'm doing otherwise, I pulled myself out of a depressive episode last night. Matt went to his second job, and instead of sitting around like a lump on the couch, I got dressed and played with make-up even though I wasn't going out. Then I had a one-woman party. A party, for me, consists of listening to my favorite music as loud as I like and dancing to it, chatting online, and making art. I've made a bunch of art in the past week, including three pendants and one digital drawing.
On an unrelated note, I get my CPAP machine, so that should be another step in getting healthier and improving my quality of life.
Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good right now.
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