I thought I had my sleep schedule back to something that could almost be considered human, but I messed it all up. I slept all afternoon, today. I feel icky about it, like I wasted the entire day. I did manage to be creative the night before, with inspiration from my friend Laurel, and motivation for an actual project. I'm working on a logo for a local literary convention, on which Laurel is staff. When I am working, I completely lose track of time. I forget to eat, and I can't sleep until I have something either finished or in pieces that can easily be combined for a finished project. I lose my head in that kind of work. It isn't a bad thing, but my timing is wrong. My timing is always, always wrong.
What the fuck am I doing, anyway? I'm 36 years old, but I'm barely out of my teens in terms of doing the things an adult should do, like household chores and being married and not sitting in my room like a hermit or a prisoner all day and night. I'm in a really strange state of mind, right now. I'm not depressed. I'm not happy. I just am.
What should I be?
Where should I be?
Those are dangerous questions to ask, because they imply, in my twisted little head, that if I should be something and somewhere I'm not, it means I've done absolutely everything wrong up until now. So I have to ask myself, "Where, and whom, do I wish I was?"
There are a million billion answers to that question. I am acutely aware of all of them. This may sound strange to some, but I am consciously aware of every single time a choice I have made in my life has drastically changed my fate. I could have been this if I'd done that. I could have been there if I hadn't done this. All of these possibilities swirl inside my head and make "now" muddy and difficult to pinpoint. My future, it seems, is still uncertain, in many respects. I have stability and security in terms of a relationship and a home, but... now what? I have the potential to follow any of the threads I abandoned earlier in life, but which should I choose?
Here is a list of those threads, in no particular order.
- Artist
- Political Activist
- Jounralist
- Nurse
- Optician
- Ophthalmic Medical Technician
- Veterinary Technician
- Poet
- Singer
- Actor
- Social Worker
- Counselor
- Holistic Practicioner
- Business Administrator
- Sociologist
This is not a complete list. It reads like a goddamn college course catalog, because that's basically what it is. These are all the things I've started, but never finished. All of my "almosts, but not quites". I was able to pursue all of them at one point with some success, at least academically, but I could never make the transition out of academics into the real world. Now, I am left with enough college credits and life experience to be ... nothing in particular.
I know a little bit about a lot of things, and a lot about some things. I can pursue things with sincere passion for a short time, before I burn out and succumb to physical or mental issues.
At least, that's how it's always been, before.
I want to go back to school, at some point, and follow one of those threads, and finish at least one thing I started, and get a degree and a job. It's just so damned daunting when I know my pattern, and it's so damned easy to give up when my body hurts and my brain betrays me. I'm brilliant, and I have nothing to show for it.
Well, nothing except friends who believe in me, which are, of course, invaluable, but I have a deep desire to be taken seriously. To be respected for something. To be considered an expert at something, and to be lauded on my own merits and ideas pertaining to whichever path I choose. I want to be someone out there, not just in my insular group of friends (all of whom, I feel, have accomplished a great deal more of those all-important "adult things" than I have.)
As to how I'm going to accomplish this, or where to even start in terms of which path to follow, I am absolutely stumped. As I said, I always start out with passion and enthusiasm, regardless of what I'm trying to accomplish, and I end up falling victim to myself. I want to end that pattern, and in order to do that, I have to finish something, and in order to finish something, I have to start something.
Start what?
I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't follow any of those threads. Maybe I should find something entirely new. Maybe I should be content to be a wife and possibly a mother. Maybe I should just learn to like who I am, and be thankful I never killed anyone in the process of becoming that person. But I feel that part of me is languishing. I need direction and routine and a schedule and a set of goals.
I guess my first goal ... is to find a goal.
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