I was in the hospital again this weekend because of extreme vertigo. I was diagnosed with an inner ear infection and, coincidentally, a UTI. Lots of rest and fluids ordered, obviously. I missed a party I really wanted to go to, to prove to myself that I can still go to parties and have fun with people.
I am weary of being ill. There's always something. My back, my fibro, my kidneys. What a mess. And here I am, still trying to be happy, still trying to get out and do things. It isn't easy. I've gone back to smoking, which isn't good, but I do intend to quit when and if my breast reduction is approved.
This weekend is Marcon, the convention I go to every year. I always look forward to it and dread it at the same time. Lots of people, noise, over-stimulation. But it's also the only time I get to see some of my friends, to "get my geek on" and be with "my people." It's important that I go. I have to shove all of my "what ifs" aside. I deserve to have a good time.
It used to be that I went there "on the prowl" for some naughty fun. I have no shortage of willing lovers who have been asking after me. But I just don't feel sexy. I haven't shaved my legs since last year, which doesn't bother me or Matt, but in situations like Marcon, I feel like presentation matters. I wish I lived in a world that didn't expect women to shave everything below their necks. (Ironically, the only thing I shave regularly is my facial hair.) So, I don't know. I suppose I will take one outfit to go to room parties either Friday or Saturday night, but I am not intending to end up naked. It's just too much work. I'm too old for this shit. Wish I wasn't, but it appears I am.
Next weekend after, Kate and Paul are coming to live with us. The house is messy and I don't know what it will be like fitting all of their stuff in the apartment. I am glad I will have some more companionship. I hope to deepen my relationship with Kate. I am just worried because of past experiences living with other couples that started out great and ended up disasters. Again, it's another thing I am both looking forward to and dreading.
I am still feeling a loss of self. Not having my own space is a huge part of that, and that isn't going to improve any time soon. I envy people who don't seem to mind not having their own space. Matt's fine as long as he has a computer, but I need more than that to feel completely at home anywhere. I don't know how to work that out. I guess it was the only way I was really spoiled growing up as an only child. I even had private dorms at college.
Still been sleeping a lot during the day, but some of that is, obviously, because of illness. It's sleep and pills and pills and pills. I feel like my life is slipping away from me, and I don't have the guts to get up and live it anyway. I am just feeling generally weak.
I want to be me again. Or maybe, for the first time. I remind myself that I am one of Loki's. Loki is not a gentle god (usually), and his deal is breaking shit and then putting it back together better than it was before. I am somewhat comforted by the idea that I am merely in the midst of some kind of transformation. Time will tell.
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