Holiday stress

I haven't written about this yet because it was too painful, but I am ready to talk about it now. Family Thanksgiving with the Wagners turned out to be a disaster. I was in pain the entire time. I was triggered by many things. I tried hard to socialize, and I thought I was doing okay, but then, the worst case scenario happened. Matt's grandmother took my behavior as a snub to her hospitality. Without saying a word to me, she took him aside and told him that, since I obviously didn't want to be there, he should leave me at home for family functions in the future. Faced with feeling as if he was being made to choose between his wife and his family, Matt became furious. We left immediately. I had never seen him so angry, and I was a little afraid to be in the car with him on the way home.

This harkened back to my chilrhoodt, when every holiday was marred by arguments and passive-aggressive sniping. (I remember one Christmas morning that was ruined entirely because my mother left a price tag on a summer sausage in my father's stocking, just as an example.) I was starting to relax around Matt's family, but it is still hard for me to interact appropriately and participate in a family dynamic. I had, that weekend, reverted to my childhood defense of finding a quiet place and hiding, even though there were no arguments happening at the time. My therapist says that I do not yet have the social skills I need to contribute to a situation such as this one.

The thing that hurts the most right now is that, after two weeks, there have been no conversations about the incident, and certainly no apologies. Matt's mother, while agreeing that Matt's grandmother was out-of-line, still insists there are things we aren't seeing. I have pleaded my case and done my best to help them understand my triggers, and my mother-in-law is sympathetic, but I don't even know what she has told Matt's grandmother. I would talk to Matt's grandmother myself, but I am simply too hurt and too intimidated by the woman.

So, as Christmas approaches, there is an enormous pachyderm in the room, and no one is talking about it. I have zero desire to go to my grandparents-in-law for Christmas, and I am not even sure I would be welcome. I feel I was treated like a disobedient child, or worse yet, a non-person- simply "Mrs. Matthew Wagner," an accessory to a grandson who is taking up too much of Matt's life.

I am glad that Matt defended me the way he did, but I am worried that he might have made some things worse by our hasty exit. I keep thinking that maybe if I could have talked to his grandmother and tried to explain... Then again, she might have said something to make me very angry and the whole thing could have turned out worse.

Keep in mind that I barely know this woman. She doesn't talk much about her interests or emotions. She talks about the past, and makes general smalltalk. I don't do so well with smalltalk. It always feels contrived, to me. I don't feel like I have anything in common with her. I don't know how to bridge the gap and create some sort of friendship. She and mymy sister-in-law are extremely close- maybe I could talk to Alison about it? I don't know.

Anyway, beyond this issue, my mood has been generally good. We decorated the apartment for the holidays and there are presents under the tree for the people who matter. And, I have a new casual romantic interest- an old friend of Matt's who has been coming over to watch movies and play games. Last night, he and I went Christmas shopping for Matt's gift at the toy store, and had a really great time together. He has been a fun surprise, and definitely good for my mood.