Climbing out

I figured out why my depression attacked me with homicidal and suicidal thoughts. It's because my life is so good, and so stable, it would take me doing something that heinous to mess it up. And my depression likes to convince me that the other shoe is going to drop any moment. When the monster can't grab onto anything real, it makes stuff up. Well, fuck the monster. I am going to fight it.

Aside from the recent episode, my major problem continues to be constant physical pain. It is a fact of my life. There are a lot of things I can't do because of the pain I feel. I can't hold a real job. I can't do a lot of stuff around the house that requires bending, lifting, et cetera. I've been hyper-focused on all of the things I can't do, and it spiraled out of control when I got the news that I was not going to get my back surgery. I feared I had become a drug addict and that there was no end in sight. (I'm not. I was able to step down my meds on my own.) I allowed terrible thoughts to take over. It was as if my mind was simply picking out the absolute most horrifying things that could happen to me and the most heinous things I could do to obsess over. So I came up with a few ideas as to how to change my thinking and behavior.

First, I've made a concerted effort to stop exposing myself to things that trigger suicidal and homicidal thoughts. I was watching a lot of true crime shows, to the point of obsession. I think I wanted to desensitize myself, but in the midst of a major depressive episode, it did exactly the opposite. I think I have been experiencing a kind of obsessive compulsive thought process. I know that the awful things I think of when I am depressed have absolutely no basis in reality. The thoughts aren't actually connected to anything. They're just the Worst Thing I Can Think Of, so I think it. I am not going to kill anyone. I am not going to hurt my pets. I am not going to suddenly go insane and destroy my whole life and everyone in it. That's fear, not reality. The thoughts are intrusive and disruptive, but they have no more power over me than I give them. I've been giving them too much power, and too much significance.

So, anyway, I've changed my TV watching habits. I've started to watch movies I like, comedies, and documentaries about subjects other than crime. It's like I forgot that I have interests, or something. Depression is such a bitch. It makes me forget that I'm a whole person and not just a "sick" person. When I start having intrusive, crazy thoughts, I distract myself by running through a song from my favorite movie, or concentrating on the things that I have to be grateful for.

I have also decided to make two lists. First, a list of all the stuff I used to do before I was cripplingly depressed, and another list of things I can do to have more responsibility around the house and structure in my life. I'm not pressuring myself to do all of the things at once, but I am going to read the lists every day and try to do something on one of them every day. (I haven't made the lists yet. I'm working on it.)

And maybe I shouldn't be messing with my meds on my own, but I have stopped taking gabapentin. Guess what? It's like part of that "everything is awful" cloud has lifted. I honestly think that being on such a hefty dose of it (1800 mg per day) has been contributing to my depression, fatigue, and even weight gain. Since I stopped taking it, I have been able to think much more clearly, at least clearly enough to take these first steps, and I have lost a couple of pounds (at least, judging by how my clothes fit.)

Over the past week I have made more of an effort to get out and do things and live my life. There was an impromptu trip to the zoo on Wednesday, and we went to a show last night. I went even though I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I won't lie, it was exhausting, but I did it, and I'm proud of myself. Last week, I even cooked chicken soup and baked pumpkin bread, and interacted socially with a guest who was a near-stranger. Even two weeks ago, I couldn't imagine doing that.

I feel I am climbing out of this on my own. I am still skeptical of how useful partial hospitalization will be for me. I am actually worried it might be more triggery for me than useful. I will go to my evaluation and see what they say. I truly feel that my time would be better spent finding alternative pain management anf learning meditation techniques. In the mean time, I have lists to write.