Money ... it haunts me

I'm employed.

It may be temporary, but I feel excited just to say that for the first time in over four years, I have a job. I'll be working at a haunted house on weekends from now until November 2. I'm a little nervous about it because I will have people counting on me, and I still have issues with crowds and claustrophobia, both of which I will have to deal with nightly. However, I'm not going to be alone. Isa and Tory, two close friends, are going to be there with me. It's not much money, but it's money that I will actually be earning for myself, and that's a big step forward.

Money is still a source of extreme stress for me. I have a lot of shame centering around it that I haven't been too successful in dealing with. It's a strange mix of feeling like I don't deserve things because I don't work, and a terror of getting back out in the workforce. It's a paradox between wanting to have some money for my own, and losing the comfort of having Matt provide me with the things I need. Right now, he can't give me everything I need or want on his own, because of continuing issues with medical bills. We're talking to financial counselors, and things may get better in the next few months. But I was triggered badly when, during couples therapy, Matt told me that I have to learn to live on $100 a month or make my own money.

I have no confidence. There are lots of things I am capable of doing, like making art or jewelry to sell online. I just feel like nobody will want to buy what I make. I look at people who sell things on eBay and on Etsy, and compare it to my own work, and it feels like everyone has either already done the things I can do, thus saturating the market, or that they've done it better than I can. This has been an issue for me for a long time, in terms of blocking my creativity. Why write about things when they've been written about before? Why draw things when they've been drawn before? Why make jewellery when so many people make similar things? I feel like if I can't be truly original, it's a waste of time. Yet, given what actually sells on the Internet, originality doesn't seem to be a concern for others.

I defeat myself before I ever start, and yet I have a deep need to create. And I would love to be able to make money creating things that other people would enjoy. I don't know how to get past this mentally. It may be a case of just doing it anyway. As soon as I have some kind of success, it might give me the confidence I need to continue to produce. At least, that's what I'm hoping, because once the haunt is over, I won't have much choice.

Over the last few days I've been trying to take small, pro-active steps to save money. For instance, I downloaded an app to my phone that automatically loads coupons to my Kroger card, so that when I buy the items and scan the barcode, the discount is taken automatically. I've also chosen not to go out as much. My only real regular expenses are cigarettes and coffee. When I go to a coffee house, I tend to stay for many hours, buying many drinks. If I reduce this to once per week instead of two or three times, that will save me money, because I won't be buying coffee, and I smoke less when I'm at home than when I'm out. I have also chosen not to take my phone outside with me when I smoke, since it's easier for me to chain-smoke if I'm also messing around on the Internet. I think these small steps are a good start, but I need to do more.

I hate being an adult. I hate money. I hate the entire concept of it. I've never wanted to play the game. I'm also afraid that if I start to make too much money, it's just going to get taken away via garnishments because of my defaulted student loans. I made my bed ten years ago, and now I'm being forced to sleep in it, and it sucks, and I feel like a failure, and that just cycles back to preventing me from taking any steps forward.

I'm also plagued with the idea that I have to do everything right now. That I have to change everything I do immediately, overnight, and that if I don't, I'm a failure (again) and it's pointless to even start. Maybe this goes back to the way I was in school. Did you know I'm a genius? That's what IQ tests say. The lowest I've ever scored is 133, the highest was 165. So a lot of things come very easily to me. I'm used to things being easy. When I encounter something that isn't easy, where I make mistakes and learn just like everyone else, I feel like I want to give up. It was like that with maths and reading music in school, and I guess money is my Achille's heel as an adult.

So how do I get past all this? How do I trick myself into thinking I'm capable of this stuff that seems to be so hard for me? I'm still not entirely sure. I'm working on it. I'm hoping that this job will be my foot in the door, the confidence I need to start thinking of myself as someone who is capable of generating an income instead of a useless, lazy person. I am terrified that I will give up. That I will find it too hard because of the pain or the anxiety to continue working at the haunt until the end. And if I do quit, that will start the whole cascade of self-hate all over again.

I'm thinking maybe something I need is a form of self-affirmation that I do daily, just like my physical therapy exercises. It can't be contrived and stupid like the shit they taught us in middle school. I can't just tell myself "I am lovable and capable" all the time and be on my way. I feel like I need to look at my past and appreciate the things I have accomplished already, despite numerous barriers, and draw upon that for strength for the present. I'm going to ask my therapist tonight how I can go about this.

Anyway, for now, I'm employed, I'm cautiously optimistic, and I'm looking forward to making money scaring the shit out of people. Life is generally good. I need to make sure I remember that.