Had my EMG. It was actually rather enjoyable. The mild electrical shocks relaxed my muscles. Even the needles didn't hurt very much, though they were embedded in my muscle tissue. The good news is that the results of the test were completely normal. That means that there is no actual nerve damage, at least, not in my legs. I'm going to have another test done for the nerves in my arms and hands.
What this means is that surgery is not an immediate necessity. Because there is no permanent damage to the nerves, it is more likely that physical therapy and other less-invasive treatments may help alleviate the pain. So, my decision to go forward with physical therapy has been reinforced.
I feel pretty good right now. Nice to have a test show me something positive for once. On the other hand, if they had found nerve damage, that would be a definitive diagnosis for the source of the pain. Medical tests are always mixed blessings this way.
In other news, I've reconciled with the friend that I'd had a falling-out with. Unfortunately, Isa is again dealing with the crisis of unemployment. This is the third job she's lost this year. It's becoming increasingly difficult to console her. Today, when I met her for coffee, she was so wound up I was worried she was going to have a collapse. I did calm her down eventually, but I am worried for her. Still, much as I'd like to, I can't fix her problems. I suggested that it might be time to consider a new career path. (I suggested that the last time, too.) We'll see what happens. I just let her know that I am here for her and I will support whatever decision she makes, and that no matter what, I consider her family.
Matt and I are still having money issues. There was another significant overdraft notice in the mail yesterday. We are seeing a couple of financial counselors, but I have to admit that I was floored that this happened again for the second month in a row. We were meant to have a date night tonight. I sat him down and said, "No. We have to make up for it somehow first." So we decided, together, to sell some of our electronics to pay for groceries this week, and use some of the money for dinner tonight. It was a difficult decision, but it was entirely necessary. I'm even selling a few of my collectible items on eBay so I can have a little bit of spending money. But this is a temporary solution, just a bandaid on the immediate problem. I'm hoping that by next month, the financial counseling will start to pay off, and the consolidation of our credit card payments will leave a bit more breathing room. We still need to make some serious lifestyle changes to make ends meet.
One of those things might be for Matt to find a higher-paying job, but I can't help but feel shame for not being employed. I keep telling myself that I am going to find a job somehow, that I am going to do all this stuff when my treatments start to ease the pain, but I'm terrified. I haven't worked in four years now, my employment history is terrible, and I am very limited in the types of jobs I can do because of my disability and the fact that I don't drive.
I'm trying not to feel this shame, and just do what I can, when I can, to help Matt out, but I'm a little selfish. I don't want to give up what little freedom I have, which consists of going to the coffee shop two or three times per week to write. I can cut down by buying less-expensive drinks, of course, but then there's my smoking issue. Ever since I've been on painkillers, I've been smoking a lot more. I have a lot of hard things ahead of me, and I'm overwhelmed. I don't feel like I can do PT, quit smoking, lose weight, and look for work all at the same time, and I feel like I need to do all of those things, right now.
Anyway, yeah, that's what's going on at the moment. I'm write more later, when more things come to me.
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