Loving myself

Lately, I love to look in the mirror. Getting my new haircut has given me a boost of confidence in my looks. I've been taking more care to do my makeup before I go out, and choosing my outfits carefully. I try to dress each day as if I'm going to meet someone important. The reason I've been doing this is because looking good and truly liking the way I look counteracts how my body feels.

Because if I presented myself to the world visually the way I actually feel, I'd be barefoot and in my pajamas. My hair would be unwashed and messy. I'd have no makeup on and the most prominent features on my face would be my mustache and my tired frown.

Creating a look for myself, an identity, is important. When I'm feeling terrible, I need to look in the mirror and see that I don't look terrible, that when others see me, they don't see my pain, physical and otherwise. It's a way to "fake it 'til I make it." And so far, it's working.

In two days, I finally have my evaluation for physical therapy. I'm looking forward to it as one might look forward to an audition. My assets and weaknesses will be taken into consideration, so that my training will yield the maximum benefit. I'm nervous, but I'm also confident that this is going to be a huge step forward for me, literally and figuratively. After so many years of being in pain all by myself, suffering in silence, I am finally doing something about it. I am finally able to take action.

Physical therapy is going to be a spiritual practise for me as well. It's going to force me to face my weaknesses. It's going to make me push past my fears. It's going to require me to put my trust in my therapists, and in myself, to affect change. There are going to be days I don't want to go. There are going to be days when the pain of training is going to seem like it isn't worth it, but I have to remember my strength. It's there. I just need to tap into it and make it work for me.

This all comes back to the idea of loving myself. I have often seen myself as defective, for all sorts of reasons. Growing up, I was never "normal" in terms of the way I interacted, the way I learned, the way my body worked, or the way I looked at the world. From the ancient nun who admonished me for being left-handed in gradeschool to my failures at relationships in high school, I have always felt there must be something terribly wrong with me. Something someone wasn't telling me, something that made me different.

Now, I am an adult. I have broken through many of my barriers, I have stability in my life, and I have support and love from friends and family. I don't feel like there's something "wrong" with me any more, but I do feel like I'm still working to define and accept who and what I am, and to love myself unconditionally. I can't say to the face in the mirror, "I only love you when you are having good days." Though I have had "friends" and relationships with people who treated me this way, I can't afford to have that kind of influence in my life any more, especially not from within. Though it is vastly important to have emotional support from those closest to me, I must empower myself in order to reach my full potential. I feel that I am emerging from my chrysalis at last. If you've ever watched a butterfly do this, you can tell how hard it is, breaking through that last barrier. Stretching those new wings. Taking those first quaking steps before catching the wind.

I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I have faced and conquered many challenges, and continue to do so.
I am not defective.
I am me.
I love who I am, and look forward to becoming more than I ever thought I could be.