Whoo. What a week.
Working at the haunt has been fun, but predictably exhausting. I feel like most of the people there are younger and more energetic than I am. However, I've received nothing but encouragement from the cast and crew, and I've made quite a few new friends already. I even went to Waffle House after we closed on Saturday night, and going out in a big group like that isn't something I've done since my theater days in my teens. I've been enjoying myself, and surprising myself with how much I actually am capable of in terms of work stamina. It helps that I'm normally up until the wee hours, so it doesn't disrupt my sleep schedule. About the only really bad thing about it is that we aren't going to get paid until haunt season is over, after November 3, and obviously, I could use some cash before then.
Unfortunately, I am again sensing a lot of tension between me and Isa. She volunteered to be my ride to and from the haunt, since she works there, too, but I am suddenly finding myself feeling like a burden again. She asked for gas money, which I would gladly give her if I had it, but at the time, I did not. She seemed very annoyed about this. She just seems annoyed in general at me and everyone around her right now, and I think this is another case of her over-committing and not knowing how to say "no." She is also treating this as if she is an organizer of the event, which she is not, and she's just putting undue stress on herself. It's hard to watch. And it's none of my business, really, unless she talks to me. The problem is, if I can't rely on her for a ride, I might be SOL a few nights. I've been getting rides from other people whenever possible, including Matt, but he's been out-of-town more days than not for the last two weeks. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she's been avoiding me (though she won't admit to this.) I'm beginning to worry that I am losing her as a friend, and it hurts, and I don't know what to do. It seems like I can't do anything right no matter how careful I try to be.
Switching gears, there's been an unusual amount of activity on the poly front, at least on my end. Both times Matt went out of town, I found company with play/sex partners. This is not typical for me. It just sort of happens when it does, and it seems like, in terms of partners, it's either feast or famine. When Matt isn't out-of-town, I don't really have that much interest in other pursuits. Right now, I feel guilty, because Matt is jealous. He isn't the kind of jealous that you would normally associate with a monogamous relationship. He's jealous that he doesn't get to play, too. He's jealous that, while I have had several dates recently, all his potential partners live in other states. I don't feel shame for being with others, but I do feel bad that Matt isn't getting to enjoy the benefits of an open marriage the way I am. If he asks me to, I am willing to stay monogamous with him until if and when he finds an outlet, but I don't think he really wants me to do that. It's something we need to talk about more, obviously, even though I tell him everything that happens immediately or, when possible, before anything happens at all. One benefit to my little forays into foreign bedrooms is that when Matt gets home, we have awesome sex. I like my other partners, of course, but one of the best things about having the kind of relationship Matt and I do is that it enhances our sex life. It brings in new energy and ideas and sparks passion. I don't really want to give that up if I don't have to. I just really wish Matt could find another partner so I didn't feel like I am the only one benefiting from this. I want to talk about this in couples therapy.
Last, but not least, physical therapy. I think it has been helping me. I have a chart to check off which home exercises I complete daily, and I try to make it a habit to do some of them before bed. This seems to help me sleep better. On the downside, the electrotherapy and massage really only soothe my pain for as long as the treatment lasts. I appreciate it anyway, of course. It's like my reward after my workout. The people on my physical therapy team are great, and really do listen to where I'm at and take into account my pain level when I come in. I've come to look forward to the sessions.
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