I love you, Xanax.

For the last four days, I have been taking regular doses of Xanax. Gone are the heart palpitations that made me feel like I was going to drop dead at any moment. Gone is the constant fog of fear clouding my life and making it almost impossible to do the simplest things. Gone is the constant need to reassure myself that "I am safe, I am going to be okay." I haven't felt this normal since before I went off Percocet.

My psychiatrist prescribed 2 mg twice a day, which is a pretty high dose. I found that the full 2 mg zonked me out pretty rapidly, so I only take the whole pill (which is scored in four sections) before I go to bed. This has helped me sleep better, and, even more significantly, seems to have stopped me waking up every morning in a panic. I take 1 mg when I get up, and divide the other 1 mg up during the day, as needed.

The news isn't all good, however. Today, I saw my GP, and though my blood pressure was better than last time, it wasn't where he wanted it. So, he is putting me on Norvasc, a calcium channel blocker, in an effort to lower my blood pressure to an acceptable level. I'm worried, because the last time I tried a blood pressure medication that was not a diuretic, I had a paradoxical reaction and ended up with tachycardia and severe panic after just one pill. I am hoping this doesn't happen again. It works on a different set of chemicals than Propanolol did, so, hopefully, I'm safe.

Anyway, here I am, a 37-year-old woman, now ingesting a cocktail of 7 different medications every day. It doesn't make me feel good, and while Xanax has improved my anxiety, my depression is still there, dragging me down. I feel broken. Getting a lecture about how I probably have high blood pressure because I'm fat didn't help. Hello? I've lost 33 pounds since January 5, when I stopped taking Percocet, and my blood pressure has gone up, not down! Fat shaming aside, I don't think my GP is really seeing the big picture, no matter how clearly I try to paint it for him. So, do I take this new drug, or do I try other methods to lower my blood pressure, like meditation and exercise?  (For the record, pre-Xanax blood pressure was 157/108, and today it was 136/94.)

I'm just so sick of doctors and medications and fat shaming and health insurance. Blue Cross still haven't approved my TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) therapy, and given their track record, I'm bracing myself for a rejection.

So what do I do? I guess it's up to me and my gods. As I recover from the trauma that was withdrawal and the subsequent PTSD shit from staying at my mother's, as I begin to feel normal again, I need to take steps to heal on my own. I'm not going all crunchy-granola and stopping my meds, but I would like to start doing things I used to do, like going out on my own, and meditating, and becoming more active spiritually. But I have to take baby steps.