More beautiful for having been broken

My depression is really hitting me hard. Even when I'm in relatively little physical pain, I can't seem to shake it. I can't do the things that would make me feel accomplished. The ideas in my head never come to fruition. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being either tired or anxious. And, now that I am in a safe place, I know that this is all chemical. So I am considering trying Abilify to see if it will help.

One thing that has been bugging me over the past few weeks has been the constant barrage of online posts from my friends about their Amazing Weight Loss Journeys ™. I finally posted this in response:

"Friends, I know that I may seem like a hypocritical bitch for saying this, but I don't want to know about how much weight you've lost, how many jeans sizes you've dropped, or what diet you're on.

It's not only that it makes me feel bad about myself. It's that it makes me think I SHOULD feel bad about myself, because I, unlike 99.99999% of my overweight friends, did not start a goddamn diet for the new year.

I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. This is coming from a place of deep shame, bitterness and frustration. No, I can't "just be happy for you." As much as I would like to be, I can't.

I have body dysmorphia, and it is about so much more than my weight. I have chronic pain that is often severe enough to keep me from taking a shower, much less get on a treadmill. But it doesn't show on the outside, so people just think I'm a fat, lazy piece of shit.

And this doesn't even begin to touch on the gender dysphoria. I pretend that I love myself just the way I am, but I don't. And unlike most people, just going on a diet won't help. Oh, I am so blessed with these feminine curves! Except, they aren't a blessing for me.

I try to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying something unhelpful. "You're just going to gain it all back after you stop dieting," and, "Didn't you go on a diet last year?" and "Gastric bypass is risky and means you will never enjoy food ever again." But I am not always successful.

So I am begging you: please make friends lists of people who can be as supportive of you as you deserve. I have a list dedicated to queer stuff, one for spiritual stuff, et al. If someone asks not to be on one of those lists, I just don't add them.

I'm asking you not to include me in your Amazing Fitness Journey, because, right now, I can't join you, and I'm tired of pretending to be okay with that fact. I promise not to post any shit about my surgery to anyone who doesn't want to know."

I received 100% positive comments on the post, because my friends are awesome like that, but the entire thing made me realize that I need to do something about my body image. Whether that means losing weight or changing how I see myself or accepting how I am, something has to change.

It's not every day that the image in the mirror makes me want to vomit, but it is every day that I think the image in the mirror doesn't look like "me." The media would love to suggest that the reason is simply that I hate my body because I'm fat and everybody hates fat so obviously I just need to lose weight and everything will be okay. Right. It doesn't work like that. I'm sure losing weight would help certain things, like putting less pressure on my spine and making it easier to fit into clothes. What it's not going to do is actually change how I see my body, or close the gap between how I see myself and what my body looks like.

I had an appointment with a new gynecologist yesterday. He said that he would be willing to help sign off on a breast reduction surgery, given the fact that my breast tissues is very fibrocystic, and this can pose a risk in terms of breast cancer. I have mentioned breast reduction to my neurosurgeon a few times, but I've gotten the brush-off. I think that it might be good for my self-image to get this surgery, but I am already looking at back surgery (which is being delayed because of insurance bullshit), and I am also looking at a tubal ligation so I can stop worrying about getting pregnant. When all of these things are done, will I be happy with myself? Will it fix anything at all? Or will I just find more and more things about my body I don't like? I can think of quite a few right now. I hate my chin. It's too round, and even when I was thin in high school, I had a double-chin. I hate the little skin tags around my eyelids that keep getting bigger the older I get. I hate my shoulders. They're not broad enough- too round and slumped to look proportionate to the rest of my body.

Of course, all of this is coming from a place of depression, and I just started my period today, so everything seems worse. Normally, when I feel like this, I dress up and put makeup on and try to look fabulous, but I didn't even bother today. I didn't even notice there was a huge rip in the ass of my jeans. (Kinda funny because of the arctic temperatures... "Why is my ass cold? Oh...")

As a side note to all of this, I need to change my patterns of behavior. I am a night-owl and there is nothing wrong with this, but I have this weird idea in my head that I can't "do stuff" after Matt goes to bed. If I'm up until 2-4 in the morning, why shouldn't I do art or exercise or whatever else I want to do? Why shouldn't I go out and socialize with other night-owls? I don't need to be locked into Matt's schedule. I need to start using the energy I have when I get it instead of wasting it watching the Murder Channel until I fall asleep.

I will share something that has been very inspiring for me. Matt sent me a link to a Japanese fable. Kintsukuroi is the practise of repairing a broken pottery vessel with veins of gold, thus making it a unique piece of artwork. Symbolically, it is about being more beautiful for having been broken. The story touched me so deeply that I made it part of my "nickname" on Facebook, and changed my Instagram account name to "kin_tsu_ku_roi". I want it there, to look at, all the time, as an inspiration. A reminder that the things that have broken me cannot break me beyond repair, and will make me stronger and more beautiful.



Synchronistically, my Loki doll broke into pieces days after I received him. I was very upset, but as luck would have it, a lady who makes dolls was in town this past weekend, and she offered to fix him for free. And now that I've fixed him, he is definitely more beautiful. (More on that later.)

I am grateful that I have a husband who would love me if I was 100 lbs or 1000 lbs, whether I was a boy or a girl, whether I was bedridden or training for a 10k. I'm grateful that I am making progress in terms of taking the steps I need to reduce my back pain and taking charge of my reproductive health. I'm grateful that I'm taking a free online course about human evolution and having a ton of fun at it. I'm grateful that I finally had the energy to make art last night. I'm grateful that I will be getting a sleep study done next week. (It's supposed to be part of the prep for back surgery, but I am hoping it might give me some answers in terms of my bad sleep patterns.) I am grateful that I am sitting here writing this today, instead of spending the whole day in bed, like I have for the last two days. As always, I'm grateful for my gods and their love and support and constant presence in my life. I am grateful that I can still be grateful.