Samhain.

Well. Long time, no write.

I have been sick all week with a nasty chest cold and a sinus infection. I am still sick today, but this is my favourite day of the year, and there was no way I was gonna spend it home in bed. I'm just well enough to be here in the coffee house instead of sitting propped up on pillows in my bed, and I'm grateful for that. Today is my day. We're given a precious few days to enjoy this world as who we are in this life, and I won't let this one be stolen from me by illness of mind, body or spirit. The rains come, washing away all regret.

Well, not all. I do regret deleting the previous entry entirely. There were some relevant things in there. I'll try to remember as much as I can. I did quit the haunted house, primarily because of pain brought on by working outside without heat or adequate clothing in near-freezing conditions. I refuse to look at leaving early as a failure. I gave it my all for the time I was there, and proved to myself that I was capable of far more than I was giving myself credit for. I worked through pain and physical discomfort as well as emotional issues. I even worked straight through a panic attack, surrounded by things that were potential triggers. That, my friend, was pretty epic. Could I do that every day, or even every week? I doubt it, nor would I want to- but I can do it. I've been asked back next year, and I may consider it, depending on where I've taken my life by then.

Okay, so that deleted entry... Yeah. I could have handled things better. I acted (and typed) rashly, spoke out of anger and hurt, but it's over now. Yeah, I did want her to see the things in that entry, but in my haste I had actually forgotten it was public. (There aren't any filters on this blog like there are on Livejournal.) For her, that public entry was unforgivable. Even if I wanted her back in my life, she'll never speak to me again. I made sure of that. Did I want it to end like that? No, of course not. But it had to end somehow, didn't it? All I can do now is move the fuck on, as I'm sure she's already done. I try not to, but I imagine her friends telling her the same things I've told her about others who hurt her. "S/he's not worth it. Don't listen to anything s/he says, s/he has issues and they're not yours." Thing is, I was already feeling like I wasn't "worth it" to her long before the blow-out, and she seemed much more concerned with how other people would perceive her than apologizing or even acknowledging she had treated me poorly, so I still feel that this was for the best. I'm still not really sure when the friendship turned toxic, but it was toxic for both of us, so we're both better off.

For the first few days, I was inconsolable. It didn't help that I was getting sick, or maybe I got sick because of the emotional stress wearing on my immune system. (The thought of being punished or cursed did cross my mind several times, but that's just my guilt talking. Almost everyone from the haunt is sick, and my doc's office was swamped with coughing, sneezing people.) At some point, I transitioned from sorrow to anger. I'm actually still pretty angry, at her coldness or cluelessness or whatever it is, at her cliquishness, at myself for getting so wrapped up and the realization that the closeness, or at least its permanence, was all in my head. But I'm working on moving on to acceptance. I feel like I'm closer to that today. I'm at the coffee shop for the first time since we stopped being friends, and, curiously, I feel no sadness. I am not watching the door as if she might walk through at any moment, either in longing or in fear. I feel the tie has been completely severed, as if she has banished me from her consciousness altogether, and that's fine by me. I'm just glad to be here, to be feeling well enough to be here and not in my bed, for the first time in almost a week. I'm glad for the soft grey sky and the wind and the flurry of fiery leaves. I'm grateful for all the things I'm usually grateful for. I'm even grateful that I don't need to wonder about what's going on in her head anymore.

I feel that this is all part of something far bigger for me, honestly. Growing pains. Shedding the old. I'm relying less, now, on the approval of and validation from others. Instead of putting people on pedestals (as I did her, for so long), I'm seeing people for who they really are- just people, just as flawed and broken as I am. There are no gods among us mortals, and yet, god is in us all. Some relationships may have expiration dates, but they all give us experience. It's my choice to value that experience, for better or for worse, and take the hints from my gods when they come to me. It is unrealistic to expect to always be friends with everyone you ever make friends with in your life. It is pointless to look at yourself as a failure because you don't get along with everyone. In terms of friends, I grew up in a mindset of "beggars can't be choosers," and would latch onto anyone who didn't actively dislike me. I'm finally learning that, even though I might share a worldview with someone, or we might worship the same god, or we like the same movies, or have the same mental disorder, that doesn't make us guaranteed to be friends for life. If someone is hurting me, I need to let them go. If I am hurting someone, I need to walk away.

When there is more doubt than trust, there is no more love.