Okay, so I have some pretty major stress coming. Getting your back sliced open so they can break it to fix it isn't exactly like looking forward to a vacation, and I'm still afraid of complications, but if it works, it should vastly improve my life. Through the application of SCIENCE! the surgeon will make my spine better, faster, stronger, and full of more titanium and bone chips from dead people. Then they will hook me up with an ultrasonic stimulator for three months, and a lumbar corset. I'll be like a kinky undead cyborg.
But it's funny how they don't tell you it's going to be months before you can have sex again, like that's just some afterthought or not important enough to mention in the consult. I love sex, dammit. My physical intimacy with Matt and with other partners is fulfilling, stress-reducing, and even helps the pain sometimes. That's going to be hard for me to handle. Hell, for a couple of weeks I probably won't even be able to masturbate properly! I can see something like this putting a major strain on a marriage. I think Matt and I will do ok, but for some people? Death sentence.
Gods, I am so grateful for Matt. More and more every day. Every time he brings me my meds, or helps me put on my shoes, or gives me a massage, or even just pauses what he's doing to make sure I am okay, I feel blessed. I really do love him more deeply each day. This surgery thing is going to be a major trial for us, but I think we will pass with full marks.
So, the surgery I am actually getting is called PLIF (Posterior Lumbar Interbody Fusion), and this is a little video showing how it's done: http://www.spine-health.com/video/posterior-lumbar-interbody-fusion-plif-video
I have some risk factors. I smoke, and I am "severely obese." I am working on the smoking thing, but it doesn't help that pain and pain meds are huge smoking triggers for me. Nicotine supposedly inhibits bone growth, so I really do need to make an effort. Our friend went through a similar surgery, and did not quit, and nothing horrible happened (except that he left the hospital too early and ended up with a CSF leak. No damn way am I taking that risk.)
One thing that really pissed me off (literally) was a mandatory urine drug screening. Apparently, the Great State of Ohio now requires that anyone on opiates get a drug screening twice a year to continue getting pain medication. Fuck that fucking shit. Thanks so much for making me feel like a godsdamn criminal. I scribbled on the paper on the exam table, "I hate pills but I hate pain more."
I dunno. I'm gonna go over all of this with my therapist and my psychiatrist, and see what I can do to minimize anxiety.
Switching gears, I've decided to take some free online classes. I'm taking one on human evolution that starts today, and another one on neurobiology that starts next month. The neurobiology class comes with a verified certificate of achievement, but it costs $69. Matt's mom offered to pay for a class if I found one, because I miss academics so much. I've got all these brains in my head just sitting there doing nothing. I would also like to take an art class at the Cultural Arts Center in the spring. Those only cost $55 for a 10-week course.
I feel better now that I wrote stuff down (I always do), and of course my meds are kicking in right now, so the panic is ebbing. I have to pee, but I also kinda need to go back to sleep, and I want a sandwich. Good night. See you this afternoon.
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