I am a mess.

The holidays came and went, and they were good, but I am such a mess. I started to get sick New Year's Eve, and I'm still fighting this stupid cold. It is frustrating, because I watch other people get the same bug and get over it in two days, while I'm down for a week.

Part of this is fibromyalgia, et al., and part of it is because I smoke. Well, that's changing as we speak. Matt got me an e-cig as an early birthday gift. It's one of the really nice ones with a refillable tank so that I can use all sorts of different flavors with it. Since New Year's Eve, I have smoked only four "real" cigarettes. That's down from nearly a pack a day. Go me. I didn't even plan on it. I think that's why it's working. If I'd planned to do it, I would have been putting pressure on myself, and it would have given me a chance to get anxious about it. So I am very grateful to Matt for doing this for me. It's going to save money and my health in the long run.

But anyway, back to the holidays. We decorated, we had a real live tree, we cooked, we had friends over twice, we did the family thing, we saw friends we hadn't seen in years. There was some stuff that happened that's important, but I will write about it later, because right now, I need to deal with right now, and right now, I'm a mess.

I guess it's to be expected to have mood swings and stuff during the holidays. I think what I am experiencing is a combination of post-holiday depression and anxiety from being sick. Ever since I got the flu a few years back, getting sick always comes with severe anxiety. This morning, I thought I was going to die. I was coughing so hard that I saw stars and almost threw up. I took a puff on my inhaler and I was fine, but then, the inhaler made my heart start to race, and I had to take several minutes to just sit on the toilet and stare at my surroundings to remind myself I was safe.

Today was one of those days when I used up half my spoons just to get ready. Shower, shave, dry and style hair, makeup, clothes.... flop. I'm ready to go, but I feel like I already need a nap. It's so goddamned frustrating. My doctor says my back is 60 years old, and I feel like an ancient crone every time I crawl out of bed. Damn it! I just want to be like a normal person of my age for one goddamn day without paying for it with a flare.

I. Am. A. Mess.

And it isn't just because of the fatigue and the cold and the post-holiday blues. Matt is now working from home, and there have been very few days since we've moved to the new apartment that he has not been home. I don't mind him being home, in fact, it's comforting. With the exception of this morning, when we had a minor spat, we haven't been getting on each other's nerves. We've both introverts. We go off into our own little bubbles and we're quite happy to stay there. The problem is, I have lost any sense of time or schedule. It's been like one endless weekend. I haven't got a job to go to (though I have been applying), I haven't got physical therapy anymore because I will have to start all over again after surgery, and I haven't got Matt's 9-to-5 giving any structure to my day. So, of course I'm a mess. Without structure I fall to depression. I fail to do. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, some cue to tell me what to do, but it doesn't happen.

I have never been good at keeping myself on any kind of a schedule, but now, I think it is absolutely imperative that I try to do so. I have to invent things to keep me busy, beyond just chores. Like, Mondays are "art days" and Wednesdays I go to Cup-O-Joe to write. I need to keep getting up at the same time every morning, even if I don't go to sleep at the same time every night. (I've been doing pretty well with that, because I need to take my pills at a specific time.) I need to find things in the community to keep me occupied, that do not necessarily involve Matt. I'm suddenly feeling quite desperate to have my own life again. I feel I've been in this transitory period for months, but it's time to emerge from it. I just don't know how to take the first step, and I need guidance. I'm really hoping that my therapist can give me some tools to help.

Argh. Other stuff. For other entries. Need to write more. But at least I got the surface crap off my mind for now.