A hasty entry.

Well, you can see how well that "writing every day" thing has worked. As in, it hasn't. And here I am hurrying to write an entry for my therapist in 20 minutes.

My head is so muddled with pain and drugs that I don't even know what I'm writing. I have been in a pain fog for the last four days. Suddenly, when the weather warmed up, my back just gave up. It's been popping and grinding. I have pain down both my legs to my knees, and my low back feels like someone is driving a hot railroad spike between my vertebrae. I was supposed to be having fun over the weekend for my birthday, and instead, I had to go to the hospital last night for a pain shot. The first time I got dilaudid, it completely knocked me out and I could still feel it the next day. This time, because my tolerance for opioids has increased, it only helped for about four hours, and even during that time, I still hurt. It's not just my low back, either. I have pain in my neck, shoulders, and knees, as well as headaches that come and go. Percocet isn't even budging it.

I am so done with this. I am tired of pain and pills and more pain and more pills. I called to see if I could get my surgery consult moved up, but my doctor is booked. At least his scheduler was nice enough to offer to call around to see if anyone was going to have a cancellation. I'm on a wait list.

I feel frustrated and annoyed, and even a little ashamed. In my desperation for relief, I didn't think about the fact that we haven't paid our deductible yet. The ER visit is likely to cost us a lot of money. So much for having anything extra next month. I keep thinking, "Couldn't I have waited and made an appointment?" Would this have happened if I'd kept up with my exercises, like I should have? Well, nothing to be done about it, now.

At least I was able to mourn some for Radar. The other day, I learned that a Facebook friend (who is a prominent author in the Heathen community) had to euthanize his dog. I offered to do a simple ritual for him, and he thanked me. We ended up trading stories about our beloved furry family members. I had received my custom Loki doll in the mail on the previous day, who came with his own "baby Fenrir" stuffed wolf. I used the stuffed animal as a symbol of my friend's dog. My friend said that the toy looked a lot like his dog as a pup. The exercise opened the floodgates for me, and I was able to cry for Radar for the first time. It wasn't as much as I'd hoped, but at least I uncorked the bottle. It will still take time.

There are a lot of things I should have been doing over the last few days, like working on the chore list, finishing some artwork, and washing my clothes, but the pain has been completely debilitating. I am still trying to keep moving, some. I did manage to get to our friends' wedding on my birthday, though I couldn't stay for as long as I would have liked. I did manage to get up, shower and get dressed today, which feels like a major accomplishment.