Let me just begin by saying that I had an absolutely wonderful weekend with my husband. It wasn't just a celebration of a date marking one year of marriage; it was a celebration of us. We enjoyed a hockey game, a couple of good meals out, a burlesque show, and a picnic at the same park where we held our wedding. We've endured many trials during our first year as a married couple, and all have served to strengthen our bond and bring us closer together. I am so blessed and so happy to be with Matt, and to know that he feels the same about me. People talk about their wedding days as being the happiest day of their lives. That day was a happy one for me, but I feel that it was only a preview. I wish that everyone could find someone with whom they could build a relationship like ours. I have no fears that our love for one another will fade with time, or that the difficulties we face will drive us apart. That, to me, is true love.
It's also true stability, something I'm still trying to get used to. I've become so accustomed to things falling apart just as I get comfortable that there are times I worry there's another shoe hovering out-of-sight, waiting to drop on my head. These fears are diminishing slowly as Matt and I continue the process of learning to live with each other. It's a process, and it takes work. You can't ever stop and take things for granted, because the moment you do, resentment will begin to build. I believe in complete transparency in a relationship, and that requires complete honesty with one's self and one's partner (or partners.) I think we do a pretty good job of it. I think it's what keeps us on our toes while at the same time giving us room to breathe. If you're waiting for a "but"... there is none. Right now, things are peachy.
Things aren't quite so peachy with me and Isa. We're having another ... hmm. It's not really a fight if the other person refuses to talk, is it? We're having a difference of perspective. Yes, let's put it that way. At the beginning of haunt season, Isa offered to give me rides down to the fairgrounds, since she would be working there and my house isn't that far from hers. Yet, every single week, she has made some kind of an excuse as to why she can't give me a ride. She tells me she will if I come to her house, which I find to be ridiculous, because that involves a mile walk, bus fare, and 40 minutes on the bus, in contrast to the ten minutes it would take her to drive to my house. When she offered me said rides, no conditions were put on it. She didn't ask for gas money, though I offered to pay when I had money of my own. She didn't stipulate that I had to come to her house; if she had, I would have found another way to get to work.
I got mad today. I'm tired of feeling like I'm putting her out because I'm asking her for what she offered in the first place. I'm tired of her making me the bad guy because she overcommitted and can't just come out and say "I'm sorry, but I can't do this." It's either that, or she's upset at me for something else she's not telling me, and again, I can't fucking read her mind. So I'm just keeping my distance. I told her that after haunt season, maybe we could be friends again. It was a mean thing to say, but really, I'm tired of the bullshit. I do not respond well to passive-aggressive behavior, even if the person who is behaving that way isn't doing it "on purpose." But it hurts, because I love her. I'm starting to think that she doesn't care about me, or maybe that she just doesn't have the capacity to care about me right now. I know she's busy, but neither Matt nor I got so much as a text wishing us a happy anniversary, and she was one of my bridesmaids for fuck's sake! Eventually, I will muster my strength to write to her again, but since nothing I said the first time seemed to sink in, and she never actually responded directly to any of it, I'm wondering if it's even worth it. Maybe she just doesn't like me as a person anymore. Maybe she's tired of my bullshit, whatever she might perceive that to be. I don't know. I'm just done for now. I'm not going to let a conflict with a friend, regardless of how close said friend is, affect my happiness.
I have a lot to be happy about. We're getting out of the ghetto. We're moving November 22nd to a nice little courtyard flat in a pretty little apartment complex with two pools and a gym and great bus access. My confidence is growing. Despite the drama attached to the haunt, having any kind of a job at all is good for me. I'm coming out of my shell more. At the burlesque show, both Matt and I got up on stage. *We didn't take our clothes off. There was a poetry reading/ stand-up comedy portion of the program.)People congratulated us and complimented me on my looks and my style. I'm progressing with physical therapy. I'm able to do more than I was able to do a month ago, with less pain. I'm looking forward to taking some next steps. Once we're settled in, maybe I'll look more seriously at getting a part-time job, or making stuff for a living. Maybe I'll even take burlesque lessons. Who knows? I just feel like all kinds of good stuff is coming. I'm not even that worried about the surgery anymore. I have support from friends, new and old, and family. Things are looking up on multiple fronts. There's no reason why I need to dwell on the stuff that sucks. There really isn't that much of it.
There. I made a positive-negative-positive sandwich.
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