I got home and was a little keyed up, so I called Matt, who is in Cedar Rapids on business. While I was going through the mail, I found an overdraft notice for Matt's account. I asked if I should just throw it away, since I figured he knew what it was about, and it was his business anyway. But then, I opened it while I was on the phone with him. I immediately regretted it. The overdraft was significant. I'm not going to mention how much it was here, because this blog is fairly public. The point is, it was alarming. I asked him if our rent check had bounced or something. He could not tell me exactly what had happened. So I asked, as gently as I could, how this could happen. Even with the tiny amount of money I deal with, I use the banking app on my phone and the text service my bank offers to check my account daily, and after every purchase, to make absolutely sure I can cover what I'm buying. Since I do not write checks, it's probably a little simpler, but it worried me that Matt didn't seem to be taking as much care with his account as I do with mine.
And then I spiralled into guilt again. How much of that money was "my fault"? How much of it could have been avoided? Is Matt giving me more money than we can really afford? Do I need to sacrifice going out during the week? It just baffled me. We've even cut the car payment by over $100 and given up satellite TV and Sirius radio, which is about another $100 per month. Where is the money going? I just can't live like this. I really don't want to be all up in his business, since it's his money, that he earns through hard work, but this is getting serious. I'm terrified of this, but I feel like I need to be more involved. I always did really well in my business classes in college. Maybe I could help by applying some of that knowledge and making up a realistic budget, taking the medical bills and such into account. Matt gets a lot of overtime, but we need to make a budget that assumes no overtime.
I know that more sacrifices are going to have to be made, probably by me. Cut down on cigarettes. Cut down on trips to the coffee house. Cigarettes and coffee add up, especially if I'm buying 3-4 packs per week at approximately $5/pack and spending about the same amount on coffee. If I just cut back to 3 packs per week and two coffee house trips at about $5 each, I could potentially "live on" $25/week. But, wait, there's bus fare...that's about $10 per week. And if I want to buy lunch, that's ... you get the idea. Matt gives me about $100 every paycheck to do whatever I want with. I feel like the only way I can help is to give that up. Quit smoking and quit going out during the week. I don't know if I can handle that, but I don't know what else to do.
Maybe if I can get my business up and running. Start making stuff and selling it at some of the places that sell stuff made by local artists. Get a website up, and the money I make is mine, and Matt doesn't have to give me anything. But that's not going to happen overnight. And he's going to have to help me make payments on my start-up costs until I start making a profit.
I'm feeling overwhelmed.
At least the tablet/netbook debacle has been resolved, since a dear friend has offered to send me one he isn't using for free. Hail Loki and His gifts! He is an unexpected gift-giver. Perhaps He will help me grow my wealth. Or maybe I should talk to Njord. He's got stuff. I don't know. I'm at a loss. I'm just praying to the gods in general for a solution to this latest problem, one that will not be too painful for either Matt or me.
I am still grateful. Grateful for good friends, days out, beautiful clouds at sunset, lime in my ice water, finding my favourite incense, my relative lack of anxiety today, and for cats, because they make me calm and happy.
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