Today, I had to make a really hard decision. I have been involved in a friend's improv theatre group, mostly because I care deeply about her and I wanted to be there for moral support. However, I realised that going to her rehearsals each Saturday evening was becoming more stressful than fun. It went from, "Cool, we get to go to rehearsal" to "Damn, we have to go to rehearsal." Matt is still more enthusiastic about the group, and I have no problem with him going to rehearsals without me if he feels like it.
I sat down and talked with Isa, and explained that it just wasn't a priority for me anymore. It was painful to do this, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But, because she is a good friend, she understood. At this point, my baseline anxiety level is so ridiculously high, I just can't deal with any extraneous stressors. Though I still want to participate in the group behind-the-scenes, and help her whenever I can, I am basically on indefinite leave. I feel this will help me, not only because I just don't have the energy, but because it will no longer impact my Saturday evenings with Matt. One of the things that stressed me out was the fact that 5:30 p.m. rehearsals every Saturday meant sacrificing time together with him.
I had an appointment with my therapist earlier today. I told her all about the crazy panic episodes of the last week, and the changes in my meds. She reassured me that it is okay to take the clonazepam whenever I feel I need it, and recommended that I take it three times a day for a little while until I can get stuff under control. I don't know if I will do that for more than a few days, and I need to keep communications open with my psychiatrist about whatever I am doing, but right now I am definitely taking my therapist's advice to heart.
Money is still a scary, scary thing for me. After talking with our mutual therapist, Matt suggested we open a savings account. They are both concerned that my opening a credit account in order to finance a start-up for my Etsy business could turn into a disaster. There is so much guilt attached to money, and I feel so bad about opening the account (even though it is only in my name) without asking Matt (since he is my only source of income) that, at this point, I am considering just not activating the card at all when it arrives. Problem solved.
Since I did not elaborate on my plan here, I'll explain. I was approved for a $500 credit limit. I was surprised that it was approved, but decided that it would be a good opportunity to buy art and craft supplies, tools, and shipping materials for the Etsy shop I have been meaning to open for years. I want to start out making trinket boxes and some jewelry, using bulk unfinished wooden boxes and scrap fabric to line them, and embellish them with various fantasy/steampunk motifs. I realise these are a dime-a-dozen on Etsy, but I think I could get mine to stand out.
Or not. I don't know. Maybe it was just a bad idea. I should not have done something like this without asking Matt, and now I feel terrible. At this moment, I feel like cutting up the card as soon as it gets here and forgetting the whole thing.
Add more guilt... I convinced Matt to get me a wireless keyboard for my tablet today. We should have waited. I am being so selfish. I am feeling like I am just grasping at these new things for comfort rather than need, even though I can explain very effectively why I "need" said items at the time. Granted, I really like this keyboard, and it was on sale, and it allows me to type on my tablet at a normal speed, but ... did I really neeeeeeed it?
My logic in getting the tablet was:
1. I don't want to take my laptop on long trips, because it has some cosmetic damage, is heavy, and can't be concealed in a carry-on.
2. Because it's heavy, it's difficult for me to carry around town with me, due to my back problems.
3. It's a compromise to getting a new phone. I wanted an Android phone, but now I have an Android tablet instead, and there is no need to replace my phone.
My logic in getting the wireless keyboard was:
1. Part of the reason I got the tablet was so that I could carry it with me easily and get writing done. Typing on the touch-screen is very difficult for me and hurts my hands.
2. This particular keyboard is solar-powered and does not require a charger or replacement batteries.
3. Instant gratification.
I feel like Matt should have said "no." I feel like he never does anything fun for himself, and is always buying me things. And guilt just leads to resentment, and more depression, and more anxiety. I don't really know what to do about it. Take all the stuff back? But ... then I wouldn't have it anymore.
The self-depricating part of me is saying these things:
You are so selfish.
You are manipulative. You get what you want no matter what, and you've always been that way.
You should be happy just to have a roof over your head. You do not deserve luxuries.
Sometimes, I think I have more issues with money and possessions and "deserving" than I do with my parents. Oh, "deserve" is such a dirty word. I constantly question whether I deserve good things, while I rarely question what I did to deserve bad things. (Isn't it obvious? I brought the bad things upon myself.) Mind you, I have done my best to eradicate this kind of thinking, but as soon as something like this comes up, it comes back to haunt me. It is probably because I was constantly reminded by family members and former partners of how much of a burden I was, and because I am so afraid of "becoming my mother," who only ever had relationships with people for as long as they were useful to her. And it always, always came down to money. Maybe that's why I hate money so much. For my mother especially, it was never anything more than a tool of manipulation.
My fears are not facts. Just because I am afraid I am taking advantage of Matt's kindness (and store credit) does not mean that I actually am, right? I just feel like I had a plan going into MicroCenter today, and I was going to get that keyboard no matter what, and Matt caved. And now I feel awful. Yet, I'm typing this on my new keyboard.
Should I go wallow in guilt? Probably not. Should I stop asking for things until I have a means to pay for them myself?Absolutely. Matt is my husband, not my parent, not my meal ticket, not my butler. I feel I have been treating him poorly. Maybe it's because getting new stuff makes me feel better (temporarily) when I am under stress. That is really not a good reason to get new stuff. Ever.
I don't know how to resolve this without either beating myself up and insisting everything gets returned to the store (even though I really don't want to give the stuff up.)
Right now, I really feel like a terrible person, even though I am grateful for my new toys.
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