Doing it anyway.

I didn't feel like getting up. I did it anyway.
I didn't feel like getting dressed. I did it anyway.
I didn't feel like making breakfast. I did it anyway.
I didn't feel like walking a mile through the snow to the coffee house. I did it anyway.
I didn't feel like making art. I did it anyway.

A day that could have been a really "meh" day is now a good day, because I did it anyway. I don't always have the strength to do it anyway, but when I do, I feel better. And I make good days happen.

However, I was very slow today. Took me an hour to get up. Took  me another hour to get dressed, make breakfast, eat, and gather the stuff I needed to take to the coffee house. With every step, I was fighting pain and anxiety. Even listening to music wasn't helping much. It was that annoying "feeling like you're going to have a heart attack" deal. My knees and shoulders and back were aching from carrying my backpack, which weighs about 15 pounds or so. I kept walking anyway. I took my time, took it slow, didn't try to keep pace with my music or anything else. I felt better when I got to the coffee house. I feel accomplished, now.

Doing it anyway is a start. It's what I'm going to need to do every single day if I ever hope to have a real job again. And by "real job" I mean one that requires me to actually get up several days a week, get myself to a bus stop regardless of the weather or how shitty I'm feeling, and work a shift all the way through without feeling like I'm going to scream.

Get up, get dressed, make breakfast, eat, pack my stuff, walk the 1.1 miles to the coffee house, and make art. I want to make a commitment to do this every Monday, whether I feel like it or not. The only exception should be if I am actually sick enough that I can't get out of bed, which does happen with the fibro and the migraines and whatnot, but if I'm being honest with myself, not as often as I stay home instead of going out. I've done it two weeks in a row, now. Three times will make it a habit, six times will make it a pattern, twelve times will make it a victory, and anything beyond that is gravy. But I've got to take it one minute, one day, one week at a time.