I decided yesterday that today would be a productive day regardless of whatever shenanigans the Universe threw at me. And there have been some shenanigans. I woke feeling like I'd been hit by a bus, but this isn't unusual for me. I still count the fact that I was out of bed and dressed before noon to be an accomplishment. I took out the trash and did the dishes, and then headed to the coffee house. It was raining just hard enough to soak through my jacket in the time it took me to walk the mile between my house and Travonna. I narrowly missed being covered in mud by a passing dump truck.
When I got here, the Internet was down, but lucky me, I have the Internets in my phone, so I can connect through there... usually. Even that didn't work, at first, but I had things to do in Photoshop, which doesn't require the 'Net, and eventually it got fixed in time for me to upload the stuff I needed to. Now I have the beginnings of a business website, Lokabrenna Graphics, through which I hope to make a little scratch by designing logos and web graphics. Point being, it was a productive day. I did everything I planned on doing despite all the shenanigans.
These are good days. When I can get up and power through the pain, the anxiety, the weather and the mental blocks, I feel empowered. I thank the gods for days like this. I thank myself for days like this. I need more days like this, please and thank you.
My husband, on the other hand, is not doing too well right now. He has been buckling under the stress of work lately, and the medical bills are piling up and stressing both of us out. He has a second MRI scheduled for Friday. This time, we're only responsible for $200, as opposed to $2000, but it's still quite a strain. He thought he was doing the right thing signing up for the HSA in January, but it's ended up costing us several limbs rather than saving us any money. (Actually, I really wish he had talked to me before making that decision, because I could have told him that this plan is not practical unless you're fairly healthy to start out with.) But what's done is done. We aren't starving, we aren't shutting off the phones or the Internet or getting rid of cable. It just means a little less "fun stuff" for us. The thing that sucks is that sometimes, that "fun stuff" is what keeps us going in times of stress.
These are problems that all couples face. Though we have an amazingly mature relationship for only having been together less than three years, we're hardly experts at handling this yet. A lot of times, partners blame each other, but Matt and I tend to trade-off blaming ourselves, and that's really not any healthier. Despite our tendencies to self-flagellate, we do try hard to hold each other up. We say reassuring things to each other. I think I am afraid sometimes that he thinks I'm "just saying that to make him feel better," and that he's "just saying that to make me feel better." It's such a clusterfuck. I hate it. I really just want the cycle to stop and for both of us to say, "Fuck this shit! It sucks, but dammit, we're awesome and we'll get through it." I still treasure each moment Matt and I spend together, even if it's just sitting on the couch watching TV. We're in a rut right now, but I know things will get better. They always do.
I pray for more good days for me and Matt. We deserve it. We've earned it.
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