Sorry

Dear Matt,

I'm tired of saying I'm sorry.

I was so relieved today, once we found out we weren't going to be evicted. I had a good session with our therapist. You and I were talking about games and stuff on the way home. Everything seemed fine, more or less. And then, the financial counselor called. I was afraid of the guy on the phone. I just felt cornered. I felt like he was being condescending. I guess that was my imagination. I guess "businesslike" sounds condescending to me. I don't know.

I really do feel worthless right now. All my strong words yesterday, everything I did to make things better, it's like it was all just an illusion. "It's all about the numbers." He kept saying it over and over and over again. I feel like if you look at me in numbers, all you will see is a leeching caffeine and nicotine addict who is draining all your hard-earned resources. And then I go and have an outburst like this, and I think it might make you wonder why you bother with me at all.

I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I got angry. I'm sorry I started beating up on myself. I'm sorry that I have to apologise at all.

I'm so tired of saying I'm sorry. I don't want to blame it on outside factors. I want to take responsibility for my own actions. Maybe I do need to be on anti-psychotics. I don't know. I just don't feel good about taking that drastic a step when there are so many other factors contributing to my volatile emotional state. There's the steroid injection, the pain, and the painkillers. There's the constant roller-coaster we've been on. I'm afraid to take something that could potentially permanently alter my personality because we're going through a bad patch, and while I know I must be on psychiatric medication, I don't think that yet another change is something I want to risk right now. I'm explaining this because I don't want you to think I'm resisting treatment at the cost of making you miserable.

I love you, and I don't want to go to bed angry. Please talk to me.

-Morgan