Compliments, and how to take them

After my entry yesterday, in which I talked about how damaging the labels applied to me in my youth have been, I decided to focus this entry on compliments. Compliments and reassuring statements are something I crave more than I like to admit. In a culture of confusing messages about self-esteem and the value of humility, it is often easy to dismiss compliments as worthless. "She's just saying that." "He's just being nice." For someone like me, though, I think it's important not to dismiss anything that may be validating. If I can internalise negative statements, I should be able to also internalise positive statements, and allow them to start to re-write the programming that keeps me from reaching my full potential. More often than not, though, I find some reason to refute compliments given to me. I want to try to stop that automatic response and replace it with something more productive.

So let's start with things my husband says to me.

"Hello, beautiful."
He says it almost every time he comes home from work.  My brain says, "Well, of course he's going to say that. I'm his wife. He's kind of required to tell me that." Instead, why not just take his sincerity as a gift?

"You look great!"
My usual response is, "Um ... o kaaay..." Why should he think I look "great"? My brain says, "What does that even mean? I feel disgusting. He's obviously blind." Instead, why not feel reassured that I don't look as bad as I feel?

"You're an awesome wife."
My brain says, "Yeah, whatever. If I were an awesome wife, I would (blah blah blah) and not (blah blah blah.) Instead, why not just accept the fact that I'm awesome, if not in my own eyes, in his?

I have come to understand that refuting compliments isn't an act of humility. It's a form of whining. It's a kind of begging for more reassurance. And when I fish for it, the stuff I catch isn't as sincere and lovely as the initial, spontaneous statement of approval. I am asking the other person to justify their opinion. I am not only putting myself down, but  invalidating the person's opinion who complimented me.

Some compliments I have recently received:

"You have a larger-than-life presence when you walk into a room."
"You have beautiful hair."
"I love the way you role-play that character."
"I always look forward to reading your journal entries."
"You're amazing. I can't believe how comfortable I am talking to you."
"You're the beautiful kind of crazy. Never change."
"You are one of the most fascinating people I have ever met."
"You are regal."
"You have a beautiful speaking voice."
"You might be chaos incarnate, but I wouldn't have you any other way."

I get these compliments, spontaneously, and they bewilder me. I do my best to accept them graciously, sometimes with a slightly-exaggerated air of confidence. "I know," I joke, or sometimes I smile and blush, or counter with a compliment to the other person. Inside, though, I'm freaking out. "Really? They really think that about me? That's totally awesome, but really bizarre!" On rare occasions, I am able to take the affirmation in stride, and say to myself, "Good. That is what I am trying to cultivate in myself, and I'm glad it is manifesting on the outside where people can see it." But I am still having a hard time with it. Growing up, such compliments from my peers were usually meant sarcastically. It has taken me a very long time not to assume the worst of anyone who would compliment me.

I think I've come a long way, but I still have a ways to go in terms of truly loving and respecting myself. My spirituality has done a lot in terms of freeing me from my self-made prison of shame and doubt. Slowly but surely, the bindings are coming free. My light is shining brighter, and I am beginning to realise some of my potential. I still have a deep need for respect from others, and it is difficult for me not to see this as a weakness, but I am learning that the more I respect myself, the more others will respect me.