One of my best friends is about to lose her leg. Blood clots. Matt and I went to see her in the hospital yesterday, and brought her a hydrangea plant. She really loved the indigo blossoms, and it made her happy. She seems to be very Zen about the whole thing, but we talked, and she knows that once it actually happens, it will hit her hard. When I think of L. being wheelchair bound, it makes me sad. I hope she can get a good prosthesis and is able to walk again, someday.
Another friend's daughter just lost a baby. She carried the child for 37 weeks with no complications, but her daughter suddenly died in the womb. I don't know why it happened. I didn't ask questions. I figured my friend would tell me about it if and when she's ready. The reasons why don't matter, in the end. My heart aches for her and her family.
Both of these things make me so grateful for the things I have. I keep looking at my own two legs, and it puts my pain into perspective. Yes, I have a bad back and it is hard to walk sometimes, but I can walk. I think about my ever-conflicted emotions regarding having a child, and I am very glad that my miscarriages were all early on, and I didn't have a chance to get emotionally attached. I am grateful that I have a husband and friends who would be with me until the end no matter what happens to me. Still, it's been a rough week.
On the upside, I've been more active. This past weekend, I went to the fair, visited Matt's family in Wooster, saw L. in the hospital, and had dinner and saw a movie with friends I don't get to see often. I'm proud of myself for not backing out of anything because of the pain or depression. It feels pretty good, even though I'm really tired.
About two weeks ago, I became a student again. I started an online program to become a veterinary assistant. The program is entirely self-paced, and I'm already way ahead of even the accelerated program suggested dates for completion of the lessons. I'm enjoying having something to put my mind to, again. I realize that this is not a degree, just a diploma, and that it does not, in any way, guarantee me a job, but I don't care. I'm doing it for personal enrichment. I am hoping that once I finally get my back fixed, this will get me a foot in the door at a veterinary practice. Hopefully, it will be somewhere that is willing to pay for additional coursework so that I can become a veterinary technician, not just an assistant. I feel pretty good about it, though, because starting out as an assistant is how a lot of people break into the veterinary field.
I've also been volunteering at a local cat shelter. I can't do a lot of the bending and lifting required for cleaning and maintaining the facility, but next door, there is a second-hand shop that brings in money for the shelter. I've been working there. I've also been going in and "socializing" the cats - that just means I play with them. Yes, playing with cats is an actual job at the shelter, and it's important, because they want all their adoptable cats to be well-socialized and playful. I get to sit in a room full of kittens and play with them, brush them, and occasionally clip claws if they'll let me. I may, in the future, give the cats medication and feed orphan kittens.
I've cut down on cigarettes to the point of only smoking on the weekends. I am still using my vape during the week. It is a step in the right direction, considering I had gotten to the point of smoking a pack a day.
All in all, things are looking up, and I'm really proud of myself.
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