Today marks one week since I started taking 20mg of Latuda per day. It hasn't been a great week, but it hasn't been a bad week, either. I've dealt with some expected side-effects, including an increase in body aches and some reflux, but those seem to be starting to ebb. Today, I feel more like "me" than I have in several weeks, perhaps months. I don't know if that can be attributed to the new medication, yet, but I am hopeful. Matt observed that despite the fact that it's been hard for me to do things, I've still been doing things, and that's good. I'm certainly not looking for, nor expecting, a magic pill. I know from experience that any adjustment in medication comes with a tough period of adjustment for me. I am cautiously optimistic that Latuda will ultimately benefit my quality-of-life.
There has been an significant development in my personal life. Two nights ago, I spoke to a friend I'd had a serious falling-out with back in October. This was done against my better judgment, yet also at the behest of my therapist, who also happens to be her therapist. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it. However, what does make me feel better is that we actually apologized to each other, and, at least in theory, have forgiven one another. It's a start, but trust takes a very, very long time to rebuild. I remain very guarded. I still do not feel confident that we will ever have the same level of intimate trust we once shared. I'm not ready to confide too many things, and we did not discuss any of the more recent events that have placed me in the middle of a conflict between her and another friend of mine. I'm allergic to drama. It makes me cranky and prone to smash things.
Yesterday, I saw my pain management doctor's assistant. I much prefer to deal with her than the doctor himself, since he has a stiff, emotionless demeanor that rubs me the wrong way. His assistant, however, is personable and caring, and listens to my concerns without seeming to pass judgment. I had run out of pain medication, and that day I was dealing with pain levels between 7 and 9. I was having trouble sitting up straight and holding up my head. She gave me new scripts, and praised me for getting down to an average two Percocet per day (as opposed to three or four.) I explained to her that, though I was seeing her for my low back pain, I have many other sources of pain that need to be dealt with. She said that she understood that physical and psychological pain directly affect each other, and empathised with my situation. She was even kind enough to give me the names of a couple of doctors who may be able to help with my shoulders and my knees. It's little things like that that give me confidence in my care providers.
On the way out the door, I ran into my physical therapist, whom I haven't seen in a couple of months because I have been waiting for health insurance approval of further treatment, including my surgery. I told him that if they drag their feet for much longer, I'm going to request another script for PT. He could tell I was in monstrous amounts of pain, since I wasn't even holding my head up straight. I got the feeling that he really, really wanted to help me, and he would have dropped everything to work with me then and there if it weren't impossible because of protocol. I miss going to see him. He has fantastic instincts when it comes to pain and working through it. After my surgery, I will definitely request to work with him again.
To have my pain legitimized makes a huge difference in the way I handle it psychologically. After so many years of having my pain downplayed, blamed on being overweight, or relegated to hypochondria, it is refreshing to actually receive treatment and empathy.
Matt and I have recovered nicely from our concurrent breakdowns. Sex has returned to the relationship, after months of near-celibacy. Between our illnesses, psychological issues and just plain business, there wasn't much room for it. What this means in my own head is that I am starting to like myself again. I am starting to come back to myself, and to like who Morgan is and will become if I keep working at it.
I am okay.
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