The Great Escape

Quick thought of the day:

I am going to attempt to consciously stop using a colloquialism that annoys me. When someone tells me that something bad happened, I will no longer say, "I'm sorry." I didn't cause the thing to happen, and saying "I'm sorry" all the time programs me to feel guilt. Instead, I will say, "My condolences," or, "I empathize," or, simply, "That sucks." I will also stop saying "It's not your fault" to people who say "I'm sorry" to me for something they had no part in. I will just say, "Thank you for caring."

Song of the day:

I'll use a lock that has no key
Aren't you in chains
That no one else can see?

Let the water creep over your face
I'll send it in waves
Just to watch you perform the great escape

How long can you hold your breath?
While you hold mine again and wait
Just to watch you perform the great escape

I'll pull your arms tight behind you back
Use myself as weight
And wonder while you fade

How long can you hold your breath?
While you hold mine again and wait
Just to watch you perform the great escape

Moby - "The Great Escape"

Not hard to see the metaphor, here. This is depression. I don't know if the author of the lyrics meant for it to be about depression, but it really sums up nicely what it feels like for me.

Today, though, I am free of my chains. I have had an exceptionally good week so far. I think I have truly recovered from the psychosis caused by the anesthetics, and I am more grateful than you could imagine. I feel like myself again. I admit, I have been slightly manic, but I remain self-aware, and thus far I have been able to ride the wave without crashing. I have been dressed and out of bed every day. I have spent much of the last two days out of the house doing both productive and enjoyable things. If I feel like I'm getting too high, I take a moment to breathe, and, if I can, go somewhere quiet and dark, to collect myself. It's been working. I do not feel insane. My girlfriend told me that it's been really good to see me up and about, laughing, having fun, leaving the house. I'm also taking personal responsibility for my health, and calling doctors and such, instead of Matt having to do it for me, or constantly remind me. My head is clear and free of static, and I know that it's having a positive effect on everyone in the household.

That doesn't mean I think I have been magically cured of mental illness. I know that the depression and anxiety still exist inside me. They just aren't active at this moment. What a precious moment. I hail my gods, but I give myself credit, too. Keeping those monsters at bay isn't for the faint of heart.

I hope, I pray, that I can stay strong. With few exceptions, it's been over a year since I've felt like me. In that year, I have battled chronic pain, opiate addiction, multiple unsuccessful medical procedures, major surgery, and completely unexpected and terrifying side-effects from anesthesia. Through all of it, my husband and my closest friends, whom I refer to as my Chosen Family, have been unselfishly supportive, kind, and patient. I am incredibly fortunate to have them in my life. I have lived much of my life without a real network of support, and many times, I forget that I'm not alone.

That's all I've got for today, really. Kind of afraid that if I over-analyze my current positive state of mind, I will lose it.