Samhain.

Well. Long time, no write.

I have been sick all week with a nasty chest cold and a sinus infection. I am still sick today, but this is my favourite day of the year, and there was no way I was gonna spend it home in bed. I'm just well enough to be here in the coffee house instead of sitting propped up on pillows in my bed, and I'm grateful for that. Today is my day. We're given a precious few days to enjoy this world as who we are in this life, and I won't let this one be stolen from me by illness of mind, body or spirit. The rains come, washing away all regret.

Well, not all. I do regret deleting the previous entry entirely. There were some relevant things in there. I'll try to remember as much as I can. I did quit the haunted house, primarily because of pain brought on by working outside without heat or adequate clothing in near-freezing conditions. I refuse to look at leaving early as a failure. I gave it my all for the time I was there, and proved to myself that I was capable of far more than I was giving myself credit for. I worked through pain and physical discomfort as well as emotional issues. I even worked straight through a panic attack, surrounded by things that were potential triggers. That, my friend, was pretty epic. Could I do that every day, or even every week? I doubt it, nor would I want to- but I can do it. I've been asked back next year, and I may consider it, depending on where I've taken my life by then.

Okay, so that deleted entry... Yeah. I could have handled things better. I acted (and typed) rashly, spoke out of anger and hurt, but it's over now. Yeah, I did want her to see the things in that entry, but in my haste I had actually forgotten it was public. (There aren't any filters on this blog like there are on Livejournal.) For her, that public entry was unforgivable. Even if I wanted her back in my life, she'll never speak to me again. I made sure of that. Did I want it to end like that? No, of course not. But it had to end somehow, didn't it? All I can do now is move the fuck on, as I'm sure she's already done. I try not to, but I imagine her friends telling her the same things I've told her about others who hurt her. "S/he's not worth it. Don't listen to anything s/he says, s/he has issues and they're not yours." Thing is, I was already feeling like I wasn't "worth it" to her long before the blow-out, and she seemed much more concerned with how other people would perceive her than apologizing or even acknowledging she had treated me poorly, so I still feel that this was for the best. I'm still not really sure when the friendship turned toxic, but it was toxic for both of us, so we're both better off.

For the first few days, I was inconsolable. It didn't help that I was getting sick, or maybe I got sick because of the emotional stress wearing on my immune system. (The thought of being punished or cursed did cross my mind several times, but that's just my guilt talking. Almost everyone from the haunt is sick, and my doc's office was swamped with coughing, sneezing people.) At some point, I transitioned from sorrow to anger. I'm actually still pretty angry, at her coldness or cluelessness or whatever it is, at her cliquishness, at myself for getting so wrapped up and the realization that the closeness, or at least its permanence, was all in my head. But I'm working on moving on to acceptance. I feel like I'm closer to that today. I'm at the coffee shop for the first time since we stopped being friends, and, curiously, I feel no sadness. I am not watching the door as if she might walk through at any moment, either in longing or in fear. I feel the tie has been completely severed, as if she has banished me from her consciousness altogether, and that's fine by me. I'm just glad to be here, to be feeling well enough to be here and not in my bed, for the first time in almost a week. I'm glad for the soft grey sky and the wind and the flurry of fiery leaves. I'm grateful for all the things I'm usually grateful for. I'm even grateful that I don't need to wonder about what's going on in her head anymore.

I feel that this is all part of something far bigger for me, honestly. Growing pains. Shedding the old. I'm relying less, now, on the approval of and validation from others. Instead of putting people on pedestals (as I did her, for so long), I'm seeing people for who they really are- just people, just as flawed and broken as I am. There are no gods among us mortals, and yet, god is in us all. Some relationships may have expiration dates, but they all give us experience. It's my choice to value that experience, for better or for worse, and take the hints from my gods when they come to me. It is unrealistic to expect to always be friends with everyone you ever make friends with in your life. It is pointless to look at yourself as a failure because you don't get along with everyone. In terms of friends, I grew up in a mindset of "beggars can't be choosers," and would latch onto anyone who didn't actively dislike me. I'm finally learning that, even though I might share a worldview with someone, or we might worship the same god, or we like the same movies, or have the same mental disorder, that doesn't make us guaranteed to be friends for life. If someone is hurting me, I need to let them go. If I am hurting someone, I need to walk away.

When there is more doubt than trust, there is no more love.

Positive-negative-Positive

Let me just begin by saying that I had an absolutely wonderful weekend with my husband. It wasn't just a celebration of a date marking one year of marriage; it was a celebration of us. We enjoyed a hockey game, a couple of good meals out, a burlesque show, and a picnic at the same park where we held our wedding. We've endured many trials during our first year as a married couple, and all have served to strengthen our bond and bring us closer together. I am so blessed and so happy to be with Matt, and to know that he feels the same about me. People talk about their wedding days as being the happiest day of their lives. That day was a happy one for me, but I feel that it was only a preview. I wish that everyone could find someone with whom they could build a relationship like ours. I have no fears that our love for one another will fade with time, or that the difficulties we face will drive us apart. That, to me, is true love.

It's also true stability, something I'm still trying to get used to. I've become so accustomed to things falling apart just as I get comfortable that there are times I worry there's another shoe hovering out-of-sight, waiting to drop on my head. These fears are diminishing slowly as Matt and I continue the process of learning to live with each other. It's a process, and it takes work. You can't ever stop and take things for granted, because the moment you do, resentment will begin to build. I believe in complete transparency in a relationship, and that requires complete honesty with one's self and one's partner (or partners.) I think we do a pretty good job of it. I think it's what keeps us on our toes while at the same time giving us room to breathe. If you're waiting for a "but"... there is none. Right now, things are peachy.

Things aren't quite so peachy with me and Isa. We're having another ... hmm. It's not really a fight if the other person refuses to talk, is it? We're having a difference of perspective. Yes, let's put it that way. At the beginning of haunt season, Isa offered to give me rides down to the fairgrounds, since she would be working there and my house isn't that far from hers. Yet, every single week, she has made some kind of an excuse as to why she can't give me a ride. She tells me she will if I come to her house, which I find to be ridiculous, because that involves a mile walk, bus fare, and 40 minutes on the bus, in contrast to the ten minutes it would take her to drive to my house. When she offered me said rides, no conditions were put on it. She didn't ask for gas money, though I offered to pay when I had money of my own. She didn't stipulate that I had to come to her house; if she had, I would have found another way to get to work.

I got mad today. I'm tired of feeling like I'm putting her out because I'm asking her for what she offered in the first place. I'm tired of her making me the bad guy because she overcommitted and can't just come out and say "I'm sorry, but I can't do this." It's either that, or she's upset at me for something else she's not telling me, and again, I can't fucking read her mind. So I'm just keeping my distance. I told her that after haunt season, maybe we could be friends again. It was a mean thing to say, but really, I'm tired of the bullshit. I do not respond well to passive-aggressive behavior, even if the person who is behaving that way isn't doing it "on purpose." But it hurts, because I love her. I'm starting to think that she doesn't care about me, or maybe that she just doesn't have the capacity to care about me right now. I know she's busy, but neither Matt nor I got so much as a text wishing us a happy anniversary, and she was one of my bridesmaids for fuck's sake! Eventually, I will muster my strength to write to her again, but since nothing I said the first time seemed to sink in, and she never actually responded directly to any of it, I'm wondering if it's even worth it. Maybe she just doesn't like me as a person anymore. Maybe she's tired of my bullshit, whatever she might perceive that to be. I don't know. I'm just done for now. I'm not going to let a conflict with a friend, regardless of how close said friend is, affect my happiness.

I have a lot to be happy about. We're getting out of the ghetto. We're moving November 22nd to a nice little courtyard flat in a pretty little apartment complex with two pools and a gym and great bus access. My confidence is growing. Despite the drama attached to the haunt, having any kind of a job at all is good for me. I'm coming out of my shell more. At the burlesque show, both Matt and I got up on stage. *We didn't take our clothes off. There was a poetry reading/ stand-up comedy portion of the program.)People congratulated us and complimented me on my looks and my style. I'm progressing with physical therapy. I'm able to do more than I was able to do a month ago, with less pain. I'm looking forward to taking some next steps. Once we're settled in, maybe I'll look more seriously at getting a part-time job, or making stuff for a living. Maybe I'll even take burlesque lessons. Who knows? I just feel like all kinds of good stuff is coming. I'm not even that worried about the surgery anymore. I have support from friends, new and old, and family. Things are looking up on multiple fronts. There's no reason why I need to dwell on the stuff that sucks. There really isn't that much of it.

There. I made a positive-negative-positive sandwich.

Disability...

There is a new decoration on the rear-view mirror of our car.

Some people prefer the term "differently abled" to "disabled." I am not one of those people. There is no advantage to the fact that I lost the genetic lottery in terms of my musculoskeletal system. There is no longer any hiding the fact that I use a cane most days, and that I walk like someone twice my age, and that I depend on pain killers to function on any meaningful level. I am disabled. It's not a dirty word. It's just a fact of my life.

Tests on the nerves in my legs had shown that there was no nerve damage, and I decided to go the route of physical therapy for my lumbar spine rather than pursue surgery. Since that problem is getting better (slowly,) I asked if we could talk about my neck, shoulder and arm pain. (They only work on one level at a time.) I had breathed a sigh of relief, since I had been psyching myself up for possible lumbar spine surgery, and I was confident that physical therapy and losing some weight would help.

But today, my neurosurgeon told me that surgery on my neck is inevitable. Basic neurological tests showed that I have pathological reflexes in my hands. My MRI shows that I have a bi-lobar bulge in C5-C6, which basically means that the disk is squishing out of the space in two directions, probably impinging on the peripheral nerves.

I had thought that I might not need surgery on my spine, and now it looks as though it's something I need to prepare myself for in a serious fashion. Interestingly, the doctor told me that some of the pain in my back might actually be referred from the site in my neck. Luckily, this particular doctor is world-renowned in terms of cervical column surgery, and he pioneered the use of synthetic cervical disks in the US. In fact, the friend who told me about this doctor had the procedure done, and it vastly improved his life.

I'm now back into "psyching myself up for surgery" mode. Still afraid of going under. Still afraid something might go wrong. The surgery itself is kind of scary to think about. In order to remove the blown-out disk, they'll slice open my throat and go in through the front. Yeah, I know, I'm making it sound really gory, but maybe that's my way of desensitizing myself.

One thing I have to wonder is whether there is an underlying cause for the fact that at 35, almost every major joint in my body is diseased in some way. I was born with hip displaysia and a deformity of my sternum called pectis excavatum. These are both hallmarks of Marfan's Syndrome. Though I don't display any of the obvious physical characteristics of someone with this particular disease, I'm curious as to whether there might be some genetic reason why I'm all jacked up. I might see about genetic testing in the future. Now, though, I need to focus on moving forward.

I'll post more later. It's just about time for physical therapy, and then therapy-therapy.

Work and friends and poly and stuff

Whoo. What a week.

Working at the haunt has been fun, but predictably exhausting. I feel like most of the people there are younger and more energetic than I am. However, I've received nothing but encouragement from the cast and crew, and I've made quite a few new friends already. I even went to Waffle House after we closed on Saturday night, and going out in a big group like that isn't something I've done since my theater days in my teens. I've been enjoying myself, and surprising myself with how much I actually am capable of in terms of work stamina. It helps that I'm normally up until the wee hours, so it doesn't disrupt my sleep schedule. About the only really bad thing about it is that we aren't going to get paid until haunt season is over, after November 3, and obviously, I could use some cash before then.

Unfortunately, I am again sensing a lot of tension between me and Isa. She volunteered to be my ride to and from the haunt, since she works there, too, but I am suddenly finding myself feeling like a burden again. She asked for gas money, which I would gladly give her if I had it, but at the time, I did not. She seemed very annoyed about this. She just seems annoyed in general at me and everyone around her right now, and I think this is another case of her over-committing and not knowing how to say "no." She is also treating this as if she is an organizer of the event, which she is not, and she's just putting undue stress on herself. It's hard to watch. And it's none of my business, really, unless she talks to me. The problem is, if I can't rely on her for a ride, I might be SOL a few nights. I've been getting rides from other people whenever possible, including Matt, but he's been out-of-town more days than not for the last two weeks. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she's been avoiding me (though she won't admit to this.) I'm beginning to worry that I am losing her as a friend, and it hurts, and I don't know what to do. It seems like I can't do anything right no matter how careful I try to be.

Switching gears, there's been an unusual amount of activity on the poly front, at least on my end. Both times Matt went out of town, I found company with play/sex partners. This is not typical for me. It just sort of happens when it does, and it seems like, in terms of partners, it's either feast or famine. When Matt isn't out-of-town, I don't really have that much interest in other pursuits. Right now, I feel guilty, because Matt is jealous. He isn't the kind of jealous that you would normally associate with a monogamous relationship. He's jealous that he doesn't get to play, too. He's jealous that, while I have had several dates recently, all his potential partners live in other states. I don't feel shame for being with others, but I do feel bad that Matt isn't getting to enjoy the benefits of an open marriage the way I am. If he asks me to, I am willing to stay monogamous with him until if and when he finds an outlet, but I don't think he really wants me to do that. It's something we need to talk about more, obviously, even though I tell him everything that happens immediately or, when possible, before anything happens at all. One benefit to my little forays into foreign bedrooms is that when Matt gets home, we have awesome sex. I like my other partners, of course, but one of the best things about having the kind of relationship Matt and I do is that it enhances our sex life. It brings in new energy and ideas and sparks passion. I don't really want to give that up if I don't have to. I just really wish Matt could find another partner so I didn't feel like I am the only one benefiting from this. I want to talk about this in couples therapy.

Last, but not least, physical therapy. I think it has been helping me. I have a chart to check off which home exercises I complete daily, and I try to make it a habit to do some of them before bed. This seems to help me sleep better. On the downside, the electrotherapy and massage really only soothe my pain for as long as the treatment lasts. I appreciate it anyway, of course. It's like my reward after my workout. The people on my physical therapy team are great, and really do listen to where I'm at and take into account my pain level when I come in. I've come to look forward to the sessions.